Jyu-oh-sei parody episode 3


Third is talking to his HARD GAY partner, Rada, as he stares outside.

Rada: What are you looking at, Third?

Third: Nothing, really, I just sense that the plot will get moving soon.

Rada: I suppose you’re going to tell me that you’re interested in that boy again.

Third: Well, he is the main character. If I want to have some screen time, I’d better stick close to him.

Meanwhile, Thor is wandering around in the jungle of Musa plants that germinated last episode. Tiz swings towards him on a vine.

Tiz: You’d better learn how to swing on these vines too. It could be useful to the plot later on, and besides, you’ll look really cool.

Thor: Vine swinging went out of fashion long ago, Tiz. Besides, I’m happy just wandering around here.

Tiz: These plants almost killed us last episode, but you have to admit they are beautiful.


Thor: If only Rai could have seen them. I thought it would be better to get rid of him, but now I miss having him around to abuse and take my frustrations out on.

Tiz: As far as I could tell from the two seconds in which I observed him, Rai was useless. You’re better off without him.

Thor: I guess you’re right; I’m almost twelve years old now, so it’s about time I learned to stand on my own two feet. Anyway, the first order of business is to get on with the plot, which means somehow finding out what happened to my parents.

Tiz: Hmm, maybe Colin would know.

Thor: Colin?

Tiz: He’s this special exposition NPC who lives in a cave but still knows all about the outside world. I’m sure he’ll be able to answer your questions.

Thor: All right, then, our first quest is to go and see him.

Back at Ochre Ring, Third receives a report that Thor and Tiz have disappeared.

Third: Oh great, how am I supposed to get any screen time when they keep leaving me behind?


Third heads out after Thor and Tiz, who are making their way through the forest.

Tiz: Thor, try to be a bit more careful. I know you like randomly wandering around, but the plants here are dangerous.

Thor: Chimera really is different to my old home on Juno.

Tiz: Wow, Thor, you’re really clever! I can see I was right to choose you as a husband.

As they talk, Sun Ring’s Top, Chen, and two female underlings appear.

Tiz: Oh no, it’s my old boss.

Chen: Why did you betray me, Tiz? I thought you liked HARD YURI.

Tiz: I’m sorry, Chen, but this guy is the main character. I wanted an important role in the story, so I decided to stick with him.

Chen: In that case, I may as well kill you here.

Chen commands her underlings to aim their guns at Thor and Tiz.

Tiz: What are you doing, Chen? Named characters like us can’t be killed by your generics.

Chen: Tiz, if I can’t have you, then I’ll make sure that nobody can.


Thor: Stay out of this! She’s mine now!

Tiz: Thor, it might be best if I just go with her for the moment. I’m sure the plot will reunite us soon enough.

Tiz slowly walks towards Chen’s party.

(Thor: She must be walking slowly in order to give me time to think of a plan.)

Thor looks around.

(Thor: Hmm, perhaps that conveniently located plant by Chen’s feet is the answer).

Thor: Hero Invulnerability Mode!

Thor runs towards Tiz and grabs her knife. The generic females start firing at him.

Generic: Be careful not to actually hit him, or the series will end after only three episodes!

Thor hurls the knife into the plant.

Chen: Is that the best you could do? You couldn’t even hit me!

Thor: Who said I was aiming at you?

As if on cue, some purple gloop bursts out of the plant and hits Chen. Whilst she and her party fight it off, Thor and Tiz run away.

Tiz: You fool! You’ll definitely be killed now!

Thor: How many times do I have to say it? I’m the main character- I can do what I like!

Tiz: I already said I didn’t want go to back to Sun Ring, but now I’m upset because I won’t be able to go back.


Thor: I’m sorry about that, but there’s still our mission to see Colin to complete. Why don’t we just make our own Ring? I’ll be Top, of course, and you can be Second.

Tiz: We still need a Third, though.

Thor: I’m sure the plot will provide us with one.

Tiz: Okay then, we just need a name for our Ring. What colour should it be?

Thor: Who needs colours? Let’s just name it after me.

Once again, Chen and her party appear. Chen throws Tiz’s knife back to them, grazing Thor’s cheek in the process.

(Thor: Oh no, not my face again!)

Chen: Tiz, I won’t give up until you return to my side.

Thor: Tiz, hide behind me like a proper woman whilst I deal with this.

Thor activates his beam knife.

Chen: I could just kill you right now, but instead we’ll stand and talk.

Thor: I could have equally killed you earlier, but since you are a named OP character, I chose not to. Shouldn’t you do the same for me?

Chen: Well, I guess there’s no need for my generics to shoot you. Let’s have a proper one-on-one duel instead.

Thor: Okay, but if I win, you let Tiz go free.

Tiz: Thor, what are you saying? Chen is a skilled fighter.

Thor: It’s okay, I learned martial arts in PE.


Chen draws a sword and the duel begins. Thor is swift, but Chen overpowers him and knocks him to the ground.

Chen: You have a high Agility stat, but that is nothing compared to my strength. Now I will just stand here motionless whilst you think of ways to defeat me.

Once Thor has had ample time to think, Chen attacks again. Their blades clash, until finally Chen’s breaks in two. Thor follows up with a tackle that knocks Chen down.

Thor: I win- and that means Tiz is mine.


Chen: Damn, I should have known that fighting the main character was more trouble than it’s worth.

As if waiting for a quiet moment, a Verasona plant emerges from underground and kills a generic.

Chen: Don’t move, generics! Throw me a gun and let a named character handle it!

Chen takes a gun from one of the generics and advances on the hole left by the Verasona. She lures it out by randomly firing at the ground, before evading it and firing back.

Generic: Well done! Now let’s run towards it, even though the plant is clearly still alive!

The generics run towards the Verasona, only to get attacked and killed.

Chen: You fools! You’re giving generics a bad name!

Chen continues firing. Thor picks up a discarded gun and runs towards the Verasona.

(Thor: I may as well add my main character powers to the fight. Now, clearly the most sensible course of action is to climb on top of the monster and start firing at it.)

As Thor does so, the Verasona pulls itself out of the ground and begins rampaging through the jungle.

(Thor: Why did it turn out like this? Where was the flaw in my perfect plan?)

Thor notices some green spots on the Verasona’s bulb.

(Thor: Maybe I can lower the monster’s HP by targeting these weak spots.)

Thor fires into a green spot, killing the monster as it launches itself into a pool of water. Tiz, Chen and the surviving generics catch up with him.

Thor: Behold the power of a main character!

Tiz: Thor, you’re amazing!

Thor: Well actually, I used to get A’s in Gymnastics at school- and to think they say you can’t apply that kind of thing to real world situations.


Third and Rada arrive.

Third: Well, I guess I was a bit late for deus ex machina this time- but at least I can give you a lift back to Ochre Ring.

Third takes Thor back to Ochre Ring on his hover-sled.

Third: There’s never a dull moment with you around, is there?

Thor: I’m just trying to get off this planet. In order to do that, I need to go and see Colin, and then get back to my original mission of going to Dagger Pagoda and talking to the Jyu Oh.

Third: Actually, there isn’t a Jyu Oh right now…but that just means the position’s open for anyone who wants it. Perhaps you should have a go.

Thor: If anyone can be Jyu Oh, why aren’t you trying to go for it as well?

Third: The thing is, I’ve forgotten my real name, so I can’t be anything other than a Third.

To be continued…

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