Following on from what I was talking about last Friday, the KOS-MOS figure has arrived, and it is with some relief that I realise I like it enough to want to keep it (but if only I’d ordered it from United Publications and saved myself £14). Nonetheless, a new problem has arisen- just where am I going to put it?
How to be evil: location, location, location
In part two of the ultimate guide to becoming a final boss, we cover that all-important aspect of villainy- finding the right place to turn into your final boss castle. Remember, you’ll be spending a lot of time here waiting for heroes and underlings to show up, so choose wisely!
1. When choosing a site for a final castle, it is important to ensure that it is not too accessible- the last thing you want is the hero turning up on your doorstep in the second episode. If at all possible, keep your final boss castle in a separate dimension until the later stages of the story.
2. If you are feeling particularly extravagant, buy secondary castles in which to encounter the heroes in a mid-series story. Ensure that all such secondaries have an escape route so that you can flee whenever you may be in danger of defeating the hero.
3. Architecture is important- it’s that much harder to intimidate people when your mighty castle of doom is a tent or a child’s playhouse. Choose something grandiose and extravagant, preferably dark in colour, with as many spires and towers as humanly possible. Don’t be afraid to defy the laws of physics to achieve the desired look.
4. Similarly, the interior must be a horrifically complex place, mazelike in structure and filled to the brim with switch puzzles, powerful monsters and generals of evil. A multi-level approach is preferred, with as few save points as possible. Leave some of your treasures in unguarded rooms so that the heroes can steal them.
5. Despite the grand nature of your castle, you will most likely be spending all your time in the throne room. Since you may wish to transform into the ‘ultimate power’ at the end, ensure the room is spacious enough to accommodate this whilst still leaving a small space for the heroes to avoid your powerful attacks. Despite the size of the room, furniture must be minimal- choose a comfortable yet imposing chair for yourself and install a magic CCTV with which to observe the heroes.
Harem Note: the one whose name is written in this note will become a harem member
In the realm of cupids, an object more terrifying than the Death Note can be found- the Harem Note. Regularly dropped into the human world by bored cupids, the Harem Note enables seemingly average teenagers (usually male) to make girls relentlessly pursue them simply by writing their name in the note. From the days of Tenchi and Keitaro to the more recent exploits of harem leads, the Harem Note has played a key part in giving unremarkable leads more female attention than they ever dreamed of.
Short parody: Red Garden
Woman: I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’re all dead- and for some reason that means we had to go to the effort of reviving you to fight slavering men like the one over there. We could just shoot those men ourselves, but that would erase the mystery of the series.
Claire: Hmm, okay, I guess we’ll fight them.
Rose: Are you kidding? I can’t possibly fight!
Rose hides in a corner and starts crying.
Rachel: There’s no way I’m doing this.
Rachel hides in a corner and starts crying.
Kate: I can’t do this!
Kate hides in a corner and starts crying. Through the combined power of their tears, the man is defeated and the girls go back to their normal lives.
(Claire: Although I seem strong on the outside, I must cry about this new situation.)
(Rose: This is terrible! I can’t do this!)
(Rachel: I’m so upset; now I can’t even go clubbing with my friends, who I find shallow and uninteresting anyway.)
(Kate: How can I go on?)
(Woman: Although I seem strong, I am actually secretly upset that my nose and lips are so large.)
All female characters: We’re so upset! Let’s all randomly sing the same insert song together!
Scrolls of the week: Scrolls are essentially for imparting that period feel, and certainly Shounen Onmyouji has done its best to include them, but no series can match Utawarerumono for the sheer volume of scrolls included- each and every one listing the vital measurements of Hakuoro’s harem members.
Mascot honourable mention: I can’t quite believe that I forgot to include him before, but Air’s resident cute dog, Potato, certainly deserves a mention as being one of the top ranking mascots of anime. Also worthy of note is Mokkun from Shounen Onmyouji; he isn’t quite top level, but he certainly deserves at least a plushie.
Blue-haired android of the week: Since it’s hard to pick a clear winner, this prize must be shared between the only two obvious candidates- God Mode android Miyu Gleer from Mai-HiME/Otome, and ultimate bondage android KOS-MOS from Xenosaga, who is one third of the Xenosaga ‘party of 1337’ (Jin and Jr being the other two).
Grunty Type of the Week: The grunty types of .hack are many and varied, but two stand out from the crowd- the powerful armour clad Iron Grunty, and the comfortable Aqua Grunty (think of it as a water bed on legs).
It may look scary, but the Iron Grunty can easily bulldoze through the queue at the supermarket.
OST Spotlight: Azumanga Daioh OST 1
Imagine that you were walking in a park one lazy Sunday afternoon and happened to hear a brass and percussion band idly practising- that’s exactly the feel evoked by the Azumanga OST. Laid back and with an odd predilection for flute synth, the soundtrack offers catchy themes at best, and saccharine elevator music at worst. Luckily the majority of tracks fall into the 0:40-1:30 range but even so, it all begins to blur together into a repetitive mass by the end.
OP/ED: TV edits.
Notable tracks: Soramimi Keiki, Yasumi jikan desuka, Nandaka, Sanpo Desu, Raspberry Heaven
Worthiness: Even if you get a hankering for this kind of thing, it’s best to only listen in small bursts.
In Your Reflection
This week sees another three-way head-to-head between twin-tailed lolis- Ruri Hoshino of Nadesico, Meme from Kamisama Kazoku and Chika from Shrine of the Morning Mist. As well as sharing many physical characteristics, this trio of smart-talking girls always know best, and share little respect for the mental capabilities of their peers and elders.
Amusing Search Terms
gay pleasure: I’m too scared to Google this and find out where my blog ranks.
skh anime: I don’t even know what this is.
you toube: here for the ninth week running.
t: t had an off week last time, but now it’s back- and apparently I’m not the only one who gets searches for this.
doujinshi shuu y haruka: more doujin searches, this time apparently from a Spanish reader.
mai-hime the move downlosd: assuming they’re looking for the HiME movie, I must tell them that it actually doesn’t exist.