Shounen Onmyouji parody episode 9

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Masahiro and Guren run to the next encounter area. As they get there, they are joined by Seiryu, Pigtails and Rikugou.

Masahiro: Thanks for joining my party, Seiryu- now I can hide behind you and earn some EXP.

Seiryu: You may be the main character, but whilst you are still Level Two, you do not even deserve to utter my name.

Masahiro: Whatever…just clear a path for me so that I can rescue Akiko and get all the credit.

Guren: Masahiro, just worrying about gaining EXP for now. Akiko is a named OP character, she won’t come to any harm.

Shun appears.

Shun: Gwakaka, that’s right! Let’s string out this pointless fight a little longer! Purple Arrows!

Masahiro: Hurry, Guren, my Defence stat is too low to withstand that attack!

Guren picks up Masahiro and dodges the attack.

Shun: Gwakaka, now cower in fear as I stand motionless and watch you attack my underlings!

Guren: Equip Spear of Flame!

Guren attacks and kills a minor demon, but Seiryu is not impressed.

Seiryu: What’s wrong, Guren? Is your stamina getting low?

Masahiro: I should fight too! Activate defensive barrier to defend against this small, low-level monster!

Masahiro repels the monster.

Masahiro: I’m better than I thought…Activate Defensive Tear! Target: Shun!

Shun: You fool! Ring Defender!

Masahiro’s attack is nullified.

Shun: Your attacks are useless against me! That’s why I must sit here and wait for you to get strong enough to defeat me!

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Another minor demon targets Masahiro.

(Masahiro: Damn, there’s no way I can fight this. Where’s Guren?)

Rikugou: Spear Toss!

Rikugou defeats the demon.

Masahiro: Input Spell-

Seiryu shoves him out of the way.

Seiryu: Shut up and get into the back row where you belong. Honestly, I can’t believe a Level Two wimp like you is the main character!

Seiryu prepares an attack.

Seiryu: Jealousy and Lack of Screentime Attack!

Seiryu vaporises all the monsters.

Seiryu: See? That’s how a real main character would do it.

Masahiro: Seiryu, could you please stop picking on me? All I want to do is stand here in safety and target the boss with long range attacks whilst all of you protect me, okay? Now let’s try again- Input Spell Command!

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Guren, Pigtails, Seiryu and Rikugou fight minor demons whilst Masahiro chants his spell.

Masahiro: Cast! White Light Arrow!

Masahiro fires his spell at Shun.

Shun: Ring Defender!

The spell is nullified and Masahiro takes damage.

Guren: Masahiro! Your HP is down to 12!

Seiryu: Like I said, that Level Two wimp is too useless to be the lead.

Guren: Watch it, Seiryu- only I am allowed to call Masahiro useless!

Guren rushes over to Masahiro, who seems to be falling unconscious.

Guren: Masahiro! Wake up, Masahiro! Oh no, he’s falling into Flashback Mode.

Masahiro remembers a time when he was young and Seimei was talking to him.

Young Masahiro: Grandfather, what should I do if the girl I like has been kidnapped by minor demons and I’m fighting to rescue her but I can’t cast a spell properly?

Seimei: Well, just in case that happens in the future, I’ll tell you what to do now.

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Masahiro wakes up with his grandfather’s advice in mind.

Masahiro: Okay, everyone, just stand still and do nothing whilst I cast a lengthy summon spell! I summon Takaokami!

After a long summon animation, Takaokami (the Kifune dragon god) appears and incinerates the minor demons, Shun tries to fly away but is caught in the attack.

Shun: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Masahiro collapses, his stamina bar empty.

Guren: See, Seiryu? He has the usual inexplicably high latent power of any lead character.

Masahiro stirs and runs over to Akiko.

Masahiro: Akiko, we made it just in time to rescue you! Isn’t that remarkably convenient?

Gaku arrives.

Gaku: Gwakaka…you may have defeated Shun, but did you forget about me? Commence Battle Phase 2! Purple Cutter!

Guren dodges.

Gaku: Purple Arrows!

Guren: Flame Defender!

Guren’s flames nullify Gaku’s attack and burn him.

Guren: Flaming Slice!

Gaku: Aaagh! Why does it hurt so much now when I was easily able to evade you just two episodes ago?

Whilst Gaku is easily defeated, Akiko stabs Masahiro. Meanwhile, Seimei finally finishes exorcising Keiko.

Seimei: Well, that conveniently kept me occupied for half the episode.

Back at the temple…

Masahiro: Delayed Reaction!

Masahiro falls backwards due to the stabbing.

Gaku: You fools! I may as well use the last of my life energy to explain that the girl was being controlled- just in case you hadn’t already figured it out!

Gaku vanishes.

(Guren: No, this can’t be right…if Masahiro dies, I might lose all my screentime!)

Guren: RAGING HARD-ON!

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Guren breaks the sealing ring around his head as his flame powers consume everything around him. Seimei arrives.

Seimei: His pent-up frustration is being released…only my special brand of HARD GAY can calm him now.

As Seimei starts summoning his HARD GAY, Masahiro wakes up and pulls out the knife; despite the blood loss this causes, he somehow remains conscious.

Masahiro: Guren, you don’t have to get so upset…I’m still alive. We can still be HARD GAY together!

(Seimei: I don’t know whether to be happy or sad…my grandson is alive, but that means my chances of becoming the main character are slipping away.)

Masahiro: I cast Japanese Yew Scent!

Masahiro waves around the scent from the bag before passing out again. Meanwhile, Guren is trapped in an illusion of darkness.

(Guren: That’s right, this is how it is…my HARD GAY is so intense that I must stay away from everyone or risk destroying them.)

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As the scent of Japanese yew penetrates the darkness, Guren sees Masahiro.

Masahiro: Guren, what are you doing here? You can’t be HARD GAY all by yourself.

Guren transforms back into Mokkun as Masahiro carries him out.

(Guren: I can’t seem to resist the will of the main character…but I must!)

Masahiro: Mokkun, you’re so warm and soft…

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Mokkun worms his way out of Masahiro’s arms.

Mokkun: I’m not some plushie you can hug at night! I’m a fierce and cold existence whose intense HARD GAY hurts anyone who gets too close to me!

Masahiro: Don’t be silly, Mokkun, you’re soft and huggable! Besides, I’m the main character- your HARD GAY can’t possibly hurt me.

Back in the real world, the flames dissipate to reveal a sleeping Mokkun. Seimei moves over to Masahiro.

(Seimei: I’d better gain audience sympathy by pretending to sacrifice my life for Masahiro- if it fails, I can legitimately become the lead!)

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Seimei: Energy transfer!

Seiryu: Seimei, you can’t!

Kifune God: Deus ex machina!

The dragon god that Masahiro summoned appears.

Kifune God: I am conveniently here to use my Heal All power to save Masahiro’s life and thus ensure that the series can continue.

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(Seimei: Damn.)

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The dragon god heals Masahiro before disappearing. Masahiro awakens.

Masahiro: My HP has been restored- and at long last I’ve earned enough EXP to reach Level Three! Don’t worry, though, Mokkun, I’ll keep you around until I reach at least Level Ten.

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Seimei: Well, all’s well that ends well. Let’s get home to tie up all those annoying loose ends that are better handled offscreen.

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In his lair, Kyuuki chews on a minor demon.

Kyuuki: So, Gaku and Shun were defeated, but no matter! Everything is going to plan!

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The next day, Akiko apologises to Masahiro.

Akiko: I’m sorry for stabbing you, Masahiro.

Masahiro: Don’t worry about it- I’m the main character so I knew I would survive. Besides, it’s not your fault- it’s those evil foreign demons.shounen-onmyouji9o

Mokkun: Actually, it’s the fault of that useless Level Three onmyouji who came to rescue you whilst Seimei and more powerful Spirit Summons stood around and did nothing. Masahiro, you need a training arc.

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Akiko: Ah, that reminds me…here, take this bag of scent, it might be as important to the plot as the last one was.

Masahiro: I’m not sure if the writers will use that plot device twice, but thanks anyway.

To be continued…

One thought on “Shounen Onmyouji parody episode 9

  1. rofl, parodies are especially great when you uber love a series xD Seimei did look rather peeved when the Kifune God said that it’d revive Masahiro, and now I know the reason why xDD

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