Shounen Onmyouji parody episode 12

Seimei and Masahiro visit Michinaga.

Michinaga: Masahiro, we’ve been getting complaints that the Kyuuki arc is lasting far too long. You must finish it tonight.

(Seimei: Masahiro, Masahiro, Masahiro…why do we always have to rely on this untrained Level Three boy?)

Seimei: Now, Masahiro, if you wouldn’t mind running along, Michinaga and I can discuss adult matters.

Masahiro goes to see Akiko.

Akiko: Masahiro, you look thinner- have you lost weight?

Masahiro: Well, I have been running around a lot trying to generate random encounters- I’m almost up to Level Four now!

Akiko: You know, Masahiro, even though I’m going to be entering the palace, I still have feelings for you…

Masahiro: Don’t worry, Akiko, I’m sure the plot will be on our side. I am the main character, after all.

(Mokkun: Enough with all the lovey-dovey stuff; let’s get on with the plot!)

That evening, Masahiro and Mokkun bid goodbye to Seimei and get on Kurumanosuke.

(Seimei: Left behind again- such is the curse of the supporting character.)

Masahiro: All right, let’s get to Lake Ogura so that I can finally level up and get rid of this Curse status at the same time.

Meanwhile, Kyuuki is talking to his underlings.

Kyuuki: All right, the time has come for everyone to get in position- weakest enemies at the front, stronger ones further in. We need to make this a textbook boss dungeon.

Masahiro and Mokkun reach the lake. A foreign demon, Dorou, emerges.

Mokkun: Guren Mode! Let’s get these sub bosses out of the way so that we can finally fight the end-of-disc boss!

Dorou: Summon underlings!

Battle Start! Dorou and Generic Foreign Demons vs. Masahiro and Guren!

Guren: Flaming Blast!

Masahiro: Guren, don’t let any of them touch me!

Message: Rikugou joins the hero party!

Rikugou: Don’t worry, Masahiro- I’ll fight in front so that you can stay safe in the back row. Spear Slicer!

Masahiro: Input Spell Command! Demon Ripper!

Even Masahiro is able to kill the generics in one hit.

Message: Masahiro has reached Level Four!

Masahiro: Wow, all that levelling up was worth it- I can finally kill 10HP demons in one hit!

Message: Kyuuki joins the enemy party!

From the surface of the lake, Kyuuki extends tentacles to ensnare Masahiro. Masahiro loses his scent bag, and is pulled into the lake. He finds himself in a shadowy red version of the real world.

Kyuuki: Well, have you considered my offer, Masahiro? Why not join the side of evil and take this series in an unpredictable new direction? Just to help you make your decision, here’s an army of mindless zombies I prepared earlier.

The zombies start lurching towards Masahiro.

(Masahiro: Damn, how am I supposed to fight without at least one other party member?)

Masahiro tries to dodge the zombies, but one of them stabs him in the shoulder.

Masahiro: Damn, I’m going to have to fight for myself for once! Input Spell Command! Blinding Flash!

Masahiro manages to dissolve the zombies with an intense white light.

Kyuuki: Well done, Masahiro, you managed to defeat my level one zombies whilst I sat here and did nothing! Now, I’ll ask again, how would you like to join me and control some level one zombies of your own? I’ll even throw in Akiko as a bonus prize!

Masahiro: Don’t you get it? The main character never joins the side of evil! And even though I am Level Four, don’t think I won’t fight you, for I know the plot will make sure it all works out for me somehow! Input Spell Command! End of Evil!

Masahiro casts a spell that makes a flash of energy strike Kyuuki between the eyes.

Kyuuki: Counter and Teleport!

Masahiro is thrown back just as Kyuuki appears behind him.

Kyuuki: Fine, if you won’t join me, I will just have to kill you!

Back at home, Seimei summons Seiryu, Tenitsu and Genbu.

Seimei: You three, there is a rare opportunity for screen time. Be sure to take it.

Meanwhile, Guren and Rikugou are still fighting Dorou.

Guren: Flaming Dragons!

Guren traps Dorou in his fiery dragons and begins burning him to a crisp.

Dorou: It does not matter if I die, for I was only ever destined to be a mid-boss!

Dorou dies and the underlings vanish. Guren starts attacking the surface of the lake.

Rikugou: I hate to tell you this, but attacking defenceless water probably isn’t going to help.

Guren: I have to go to Masahiro! There’s no way he can fight a boss all by himself! Sack of Scent Teleport!

Back in the shadowy world…

Kyuuki: And now I shall finish you off! Extremely slow Bite Attack!

Masahiro: GUREN! Save me!

As Kyuuki slowly attacks Masahiro, Guren defies the rules by counterattacking and materialising in the shadow world with Rikugou.

Masahiro: I knew the plot would save me, even if it had to cheat!

Kyuuki: Damn you, why can’t you play by the rules? Purple Web!

Rikugou: Defend!

Rikugou blocks the attack in order to protect Guren and Masahiro.

Kyuuki: Earth Ripper!

Guren and Masahiro are separated as the earth splits open and a red barrier springs up from the crack.

Back in the real word, Akiko is sitting in her room when Seiryu, Tenitsu and Genbu appear.

Tenitsu: Akiko, we need your help to save Seimei’s last grandson.

(Akiko: Last? How many did he have- and what happened to the others?)

Akiko: But I’m only Level Zero…

Tenitsu: It’s okay, all we need is that small potpourri bag in order to open a gate to the other world. If you’ve watched Fushigi Yuugi, you’ll know how this sort of thing works.

Akiko: Oh, in that case, please take it.

(Akiko: I never thought these small scented bags would be so important to the plot.)

In the shadow world, Kyuuki bites into Masahiro.

Kyuuki: Nobody move! If you do, I’ll kill him, and if you don’t, I’ll…kill him anyway!

Masahiro: Input…Spell…Command…

Kyuuki: What’s this- are you trying to fight back? Gwakaka, your stamina bar must be almost empty by now.

Masahiro: Don’t…underestimate…the…main character…

A flash of light throws Kyuuki back, and Masahiro’s arms start glowing.

Masahiro: Kifune God!

Kyuuki: Damn you once again! Stop bending the rules!

Kyuuki is trapped in white light, which begins ripping his flesh open.

Rikugou: So, this is the power of the main character.

Kyuuki: Dispel!

The spell dissipates.

Kyuuki: Don’t think that it will be so easy to defeat me! I haven’t lasted twelve episodes for nothing! Incredibly Slow Attack Take Two!

Kyuuki launches another of his slow lunges at Masahiro.

Seiryu: Seiryu ex machina!

Seiryu stops Kyuuki’s paw with a thrown sword.

Seiryu: You’re lucky I wanted screen time, Masahiro! Now equip that sword!

Message: Masahiro equips Sword!

Masahiro: Sword stab!

Guren: White Hot Dragons!

Masahiro: Follow-up attack, Lightning Strike!

The attacks envelop Kyuuki.

Kyuuki: NYAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! I wanted to be the final boss!

Kyuuki is destroyed.

Back in the real world, Masahiro awakens by the lake to find Mokkun standing over him.

Masahiro: Did I level up?

Mokkun: Who cares about that? You almost killed yourself, and if you die, I won’t get as much screen time!

Tenitsu: Now it’s my turn to be useful. Full-Cure!

Genbu gives Akiko’s potpourri sack to Masahiro.

Genbu: I didn’t really have any purpose on the mission, but I wanted the screen time.

Masahiro: Thanks, everyone; because of your efforts the Kyuuki arc is finally over, and I’ve gained enough EXP to go all the way to Level Five.

The next day, Masahiro watches as Akiko’s carriage heads to the palace. He indulges in a brief Flashback Mode about the times they shared before going home.

Seimei: Ah good, Masahiro, you’re just in time to receive our guest- you’ll never guess who she is.

Akiko enters.

Seimei: In a convenient turn of plot, we have been entrusted with the care of the royal princess.

Seimei leaves Masahiro and Akiko together and goes outside with Mokkun.

Mokkun: What’s going on? Tell me the meaning of this!

(Mokkun: How can I hope to further my HARD GAY relationship with Masahiro if that woman’s going to be around all the time?)

Seimei: Well, conveniently enough, Akiko was inflicted with a curse that means an onmyouji must always be with her- and we certainly couldn’t risk her transferring that impurity to the Mikado.

Mokkun: But what about the palace? Won’t the Mikado be expecting a wife?

Seimei: Well, the plot has an answer to that too- you see, Akiko has a previously unmentioned half sister who looks just like her. Since the viewers have never met her, we could send her in Akiko’s place without anyone caring.

Masahiro talks to Akiko.

Masahiro: All’s well that ends well- at least for the main characters.

To be continued…

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