Spoiler Alert: Beware Noir giveaways this week.
This week I have some advice that will probably be of no use whatsoever to most of the people who read this- never let yourself get into a situation where you have to dance with a fat old lady who completely lacks any sense of rhythm. Also, should you happen to be the child of such an old lady and come to think it would be nice to take her dancing with you and your partner- don’t do it. Remember, some poor sap will have to dance with her.
The anime guide to wooing your beloved
Last week, I completely forgot about Valentine’s Day until after Tuesday Rumble had been written, so unfortunately, I was unable to include anything relevant. Never one to pass up an opportunity, however, I went to the effort of contacting a select group of anime and game characters so that they could give essential advice to those wishing to impress the object of their affections.
Anton (Harvest Moon): I’ve never had any difficulties with love, so I don’t really get what all the fuss is about. Every day I just pick some random flowers that are growing in the local area and present them to Popuri- it took a mere two seasons of this to increase her affections for me to their maximum level. We have never even been on a date or talked about anything other than the most superficial of topics, but even so, she has agreed to marry me.
Harima Kenji (School Rumble): I have to admit that I’m still having trouble winning Tenma-chan’s heart, but the method I recommend is to draw a manga of the prospective relationship between you and your beloved. Once she reads it, love will surely follow.
Tenchi Masaki (Tenchi Muyo!): I have to admit I’ve never really had to do anything to attract the girls; if anything, I need methods to keep them away! My advice is just be yourself, and the more average you are, the more likely it is that the girls will like you.
Hakuoro (Utawarerumono): The key to love is to be ambitious- never think that you have enough women until you have slept with every member of the opposite sex around. Jealousy is always a problem, but by keeping them in separate wings of your well-appointed castle, this can be minimised. If you need male assistants to take care of trivialities such as running an empire, make sure they are all HARD GAY men who will be uninterested in stealing your women away.
Yuuichi Aizawa (Kanon): Some men prefer to have multiple women at the same time, but I have discovered that the optimum method is to have an arc with each of them in turn- once you have got all the use you can out of the girl, she can be discarded as you move on to the next one. If you are especially, she will die or otherwise leave the story and you won’t have to worry about her sabotaging your chances with the next girl. Remember, there’s no need to worry about treating her well; just make her feel like an inferior being who should consider herself privileged to be able to spend precious time with you.
Emiya Shirou (Fate/Stay Night): Despite what others say, I have found the most important thing is to maintain a high level of cohesion between your various harem members. Invite each girl to live with you as soon as you can- only in such intimate circumstances can your relationship be tested to the limit (not to mention the opportunities it provides for sneaking into their bedrooms at night).
We’ve just seen the launch of special Eva-themed drinks, but where can the franchise go from here in its attempts to prise money from our wallets? The answer, of course, is to launch a new chain of fast food restaurants- Eva Burger. With eighteen branches, each named and themed after a different Angel, Eva Burger offers an utterly new fast food experience (or at least a conventional fast food experience cunningly disguised with papier maché and costumes). Staff are required to wear plugsuits or NERV uniforms, whilst ketchup and straws are dispensed from a large Unit 1, and trash cans are shaped like Unit 0. Meals include the following-
- The Gendo Burger: a mysterious burger with a special secret sauce recipe that no one can quite figure out.
- The Rei Meal: as tasteless as the cardboard and Styrofoam it is made out of.
- The Asuka Meal: uncomfortably hot and spicy.
- The Shinji Meal: the standard meal set, each has a different defect- from misshapen burgers to missing fries.
- Misato Nuggets: they look normal, but every so often you get one with a strange taste.
More options will become available as the popularity of Eva Burger increases. Future menu choices include the Ritsuko Shake, the Kaji Breakfast and Toji Ice Cream.
Death Note 17
Soichiro chooses a secluded place in which to seduce his lovers.
L reveals his new Bondage Special to Light.
“I didn’t realise you were HARD GAY.”
L explains that he is not willing to let Misa have Light to herself.
“I already told you I had another lover.”
Mogi reacts badly after reading the latest parodies on Azure Flame.
Light explains that there certain acts he considers too obscene to carry out.
L is understandably disappointed at being denied the opportunity to try those techniques.
“Short Parody: Deltora Quest” has been cancelled after I randomly decided to give it a full parody.
The history of fat cats in anime
Weekly Awards have now been changed to Monthly Awards. For now, the interim weeks will contain this “History of…in anime” feature.
Although the obese feline was often a background staple in anime series, it was only with the rise of Stratos 4 that they truly gained prominence as a huggable character type. The pioneer in this field was The Admiral, a lazy grey and white cat who gained weight through years of eating leftovers from the Chinese restaurant that serves as her home. Although The Admiral did not, as was initially hoped, prove to be a real admiral trapped in cat form who saved the day at the end of the series, she proved to be an ambassador for fat cats, raising their profile everywhere. She even adopted an apprentice, The General (aka Shogun), a small white kitten who she hopes to fatten up and raise as her successor.
After this strong start, 2005 proved to be a watershed year for fat cats in anime, bringing us not only Mikoto of Mai-Otome, but also President Aria. With a new and huggable shape that defied the laws of biology, Mikoto was truly the highlight of Mai-Otome, even proving to be just one member of a whole species of this new type of chubby grey feline. As if she wasn’t huggable enough, the bizarre form of Martian cat President Aria brought still more converts to the side of fat cats, with his distinctive ‘punyu’ winning over the hearts of many.
Despite the subsequent lack of any really high profile kitties to add to the roster, fat cats continue to make their influence felt throughout anime with cameo appearances such as that of ‘Big Boss’ in D.Gray-man. Even when their furry bulk is not filling our screens, images and plushies ensure that they will never be forgotten.
HARD YURI corner: Noir
With HARD YURI skills so intense that they usually ended up killing their lovers, Kirika Yuumura and Mireille Bouquet were forced to live alone, at least until they met each other. Despite Mireille’s jealousy over Kirika’s superior HARD YURI skills and her subsequent need to continually put her new lover in her place, the couple commenced a life of HARD YURI under the code name Noir, sleeping together at night and killing men (a threat to HARD YURI) by day.
What they did not realise, however, was that their actions were all part of a plan set in motion by Altena, a woman who defied the generic males of her organisation in her efforts to bring HARD YURI back to prominence. In order to spice things up, Altena decided to encourage a threesome by sending HARD YURI devotee Chloe to Kirika and Mireille. Eager to see how their relationship dynamics would evolve, Altena manipulated the lives of these three women, eager to see whether Kirika would end up with Mireille or Chloe.
In the end, however, despite Chloe’s unique HARD YURI skills, Kirika chose to be with Mireille, and the pair even killed Altena lest she force them to become her sex slaves. Now the official queens of HARD YURI, Kirika and Mireille stepped out in a new world- but will the men of this world accept their love, or will they try to infect it with STRAIGHT and BI?
- Karin (Geneon): Given that Tokyopop had already picked up the manga, this license wasn’t a big surprise, but this mediocre mix of comedy, romance and spurting blood isn’t something I plan to pick up on DVD. As I said in my annual round up, Karin was one of those series that seemed like it could have been good if it was just a little different, but it was hard to pinpoint what exactly needed to be changed.
Mini-rant: What Golden Age?
Following on the heels of last week’s rant, this week examines the claim that anime has only got worse in recent years. According to the proponents of this theory, once anime was in a Golden Age where classics such as Eva and Akira littered the floor, whereas these days it’s all about fanservice and lolis.
Now, whilst 2007 may not be the best year to argue this point, given the lack of anything truly outstanding thus far, still I feel the time has come to argue against this so-called Golden Age. Putting aside my personal feelings that Eva and Akira aren’t really all they’re cracked up to be (such things can be covered in a future piece), let’s not forget that those years saw their fair share of forgettable series, most of which have happily fallen under the radars of most. From the laughable cheese of ROTK to the gratuitous sex and violence of sci-fi OVAs such as A.D. Police, the past year had plenty of series that deserve burning on a pyre far more than burning to disc.
Now, let’s take a look at 2005-6; once again, there was a lot of crap, but even so, these were not years totally devoid of hope- after all, these were the years that brought us the likes of Aria, Mushishi, Saiunkoku Monogatari and Le Chevalier d’Eon, to name but a few. There may be more anime around now, and certainly more that is readily available to international viewers via DVDs and ‘acquisition’, but as I mentioned last week, there is still a select proportion that is good, and a lot that is average, mediocre or downright awful (who wants to be the first commenter to mention Sturgeon’s Law). In the end, this is true of both the past and the present; the past may seem better due to the fuzziness of memory or the less stringent tastes you may have held then, but there really were no ‘good old days’. Try focusing on the worth to be found from more recent offerings as well.
OST Spotlight: Last Exile OST 1
Dolce Triade and Hitomi Kuroishi come together to create this strong orchestral soundtrack, which has its flaws, but still contains enough strengths to merit investigation. Whilst it falls down on its brass led military themes and slow vocal numbers, this OST also includes some well composed pieces that perfectly capture the sensation of both making a living on the surface and flying against the wind in a tiny vanship.
Notable tracks: Cloud Age Symphony, Flyin’ to Fly, Over the Sky
In Your Reflection
This week’s head to head is a battle of butlers between Keroro Gunso’s Paul and School Rumble’s Nakamura. Both now serve as butlers to the household of the series’ respective rich girls, but each has a military background and still takes enjoyment in combat situations.
Fashion police: Tidus
Whilst he does have to be given some credit for the complexity of his uniform, unfortunately, when it comes to the actual content, Tidus cannot deliver. As if the bare chest wasn’t bad enough, the sides of his jacket are also cut too short, and when combined with his cut-offs, it leaves altogether too much flesh showing. Even with the black base, mixing together three bright primary colours is also too much for the eyes, especially in his CG form, where the yellow is even more prominent. Looking even more closely, we must question the design of his arm guard, not to mention the way his trousers seem to unzip in segments. All in all, a sports uniform turned into something quite bizarrely hideous.
Fashion sense: D-
Amusing Search Terms
Lolicon: you just clicked looking for lolicon, didn’t you? There isn’t any on this blog, so try again.
audition+hacker, audition perfect hack, download free hack perfect auditionsea, getting hack audition: the mystery persists.
hack of harvest moon back to nature: In the hacked version, Anton is invincible.
fate stay nigth season 2 review: There’s a second season?
torture: watching a 26 episode marathon of .hack//Roots should fit the bill.
large boobs: try drinking some milk.
you toube: If you Google this, you will now find Azure Flame in third and fourth position. Now if only I could be that highly ranked for things I actually do write about.
Saiunkoku Monogatari fanfiction: ‘Seiran gazed into the liquid brown eyes of his lover… “What are you doing with that horse?” asked Ensei.’
A romance of three Kingdoms CCTV
top love hina: Top of what?
acid trip: Cat Soup.
miguel ayman: At long last, Miguel is gaining the recognition he deserves