Tuesday Rumble: March 13th

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Spoiler Alert: Don’t read HARD GAY corner if you want to keep your knowledge of Gungrave a blank slate.

It’s been well over half a year since Tuesday Rumble first began, and to my surprise, it has not only survived all this time, but has even managed to evolve far beyond my initial expectations (and there are still new features in progress that I have yet to reveal). Unfortunately, in its own way, TR is starting to take over- one article can sometimes be as long as a full blog post.

Fat Cats and Pizza Hut

Ever wondered who the masterminds behind the Pizza Hut takeover of the world were? Look no further, for the culprits have been found- and they are none other than fat cats! The link between chubby felines and Italian food has long been right in front of us- not only do we have President Aria himself residing in a Martian recreation of Venice, but most readers will surely recall Garfield and his love of lasagne. Now, these huggable fiends have taken it to the next level, seeking to use Pizza Hut to cement their control over human society. Agents such as the cat in Code Geass ensure that Pizza Hut becomes ingrained in our very way of life, with all the profits going to high ranking fat cats such as the mysterious Cardinal from Alias. Readers be warned- every penny you spend on Pizza Hat is lining the metaphorical pockets of our soon to be furry overlords.

Ikki Tousen: Boob of Death
In the world of Ikki Tousen, clothes are made of tissue paper, undergarments from heavy duty reinforced polymers, and the deadliest weapon of all is not the fist, but the breast. Welcome to Boob of Death, the next evolution in the Ikki Tousen franchise, a series where the plot isn’t just an excuse to show off some assets- the story is the assets!

In the BoD universe, a new form of martial arts has been developed, which uses the breast itself to do the fighting. From causing a fatal nosebleed or asphyxiating one’s opponent by pressing them into the chest to administering a ‘melon’ clobbering or using the vibrations to create energy waves, there is no end to the ways in which these H-cup assets can be employed in battle. Look forward to it!

Red Garden 19: Paula’s Confession
“I imagined you sleeping with other women.”


“…to other lovers.”


“Of course, if you were in my bed at midnight, things would be different.”


“I feared the intensity of my feelings would drive you away.”


“You just wanted my body!”


“I need you for HARD YURI.”


“And so you must be mine- and mine alone.”


Look- I’m not making it up.


Elsewhere, the foreman is impressed with Rose’s father’s HARD GAY.


“You’ve slept with me even when you didn’t have to.”


“Here’s a little kickback, and I’ll, uh, see you tonight, okay?”

Short Parody: Harvest Moon- The Rebellious Teenage Years

In Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life, your character’s child grows up throughout the course of the game, and the manual warns you to be wary of those rebellious teenage years. I haven’t quite reached that point in the game yet, but let’s imagine a worst case scenario for it.

Anton tries to give Antonia a flower.

Antonia: Dad, I don’t want some dumb flower you just picked up off the ground. Why can’t you buy me a mobile phone or something?

Anton: This is a farming village- where am I supposed to get a mobile phone?

Antonia: I don’t know, why don’t you try going into the city for once in your life? Oh, I forgot, it’s game over for you if you ever leave this dull place; well then, how about ordering one for me off TV Shopping- it’s only 98,000G.

Anton: I can’t afford to buy things from TV Shopping! I have to eat wild flowers just so that I can earn enough to buy fodder for the animals!

Antonia: Yeah, well that’s your fault for becoming a farmer! All my friends always boast about their dads have such cool jobs like being a lawyer or a doctor, and I’m too embarrassed to tell them that mine’s a farmer.

Anton: There’s nothing wrong with being a farmer- many generations of Antons have run farms.

Antonia: So what? You don’t even have a car- instead you have to ride around everywhere on that stupid horse. How am I supposed to get a lift into town to meet my boyfriend?

Anton: You have a boyfriend? Aren’t you a bit young for that?

Antonia: Get with the times, Dad. Hugh is a much better guy than you are, and he doesn’t give me stupid flowers every day like you did for Mum. He even has cool clothes- not like your four outfits that you wear every single year. Those clothes of yours are so 2005, and the food you cook is even worse! Who wants to eat Yam Soup?

Anton: That’s enough, young lady- you’re grounded!

Antonia: Yeah, like, whatever. Just wait until I’m old enough to get out of this dump.

The history of apples in anime

They may be silent, but apples have been a key part of anime for years, often showing up in the background or being eaten by characters. Tokyo Mew Mew, Zegapain, Deltora Quest, Tsubasa Chronicle, Gargoyle, Koi Kaze and Oniisama E are but a few of the series that have seen at least glimpses of apples in either foreground or background, and this range of names just shows us how many different situations they can appear in.

The first really big break for apples came in Death Note, however; first the manga showed us how shinigami Ryuk’s addiction to them was similar to human cravings for cigarettes or alcohol, and then the anime took it to the next level by including apples prominently in the first OP. From then on, the profile of the humble apple was raised, and all the groundwork they had laid over the years became clear to even the most casual of observers. We may have thought otherwise for many years, but one fact is now clear- apples are the true stars of anime.

HARD GAY corner: Gungrave
Ever since they first met as children, Brandon and Harry knew that they were destined HARD GAY partners- one talkative and ambitious, the other quiet and loyal. Even so, they knew that the key to not getting bored with each other was to take other lovers, and so it was that they started off by forming a street gang in order to create a more varied experience.

Unfortunately, the other gang members were eventually killed, forcing Brandon and Harry to join up with Millennion, an intensely HARD GAY group led by Big Daddy (so named due to the size of his Zhuge Liang). As Brandon and Harry worked their way up through the ranks of Millennion over the years, they came to discover all kinds of HARD GAY lovers- most notably Bear Walken (a real ‘bear’ in the bedroom), Balladbird Lee (a swift and precise lover), Bob Poundmax and Bunjie Kugashiro- but unfortunately, this situation was not to last. Even as Brandon found love with Big Daddy, Harry not only discovered the exciting nature of CORPSE with re-animated lovers, but decided that there should be no end to his HARD GAY ambitions.

Inevitably, Brandon and Harry clashed, ending in Brandon’s death after a bout of Pistol. In order to put this behind him, Harry took control of Millennion and convinced his underlings to become ‘Superiorised’, a process which refined them into the ultimate lovers. Meanwhile, jilted lover Brandon was brought back from the dead, at which point he vowed to get revenge on Harry. As it turned out, however, after intense HARD GAY encounters with Harry’s underlings, he began to recall all the good times he had had with his old friend, and in the end, the pair decided to declare their feelings for each other and end it all in one last intense session…

OST Spotlight: Sousei no Aquarion OST 2
Last week I talked about the first Aquarion soundtrack, and if that sounded good to you, you’ll be pleased to know that this CD offers more of the same. As to be expected, there is a degree of remix, but aside from a slightly higher proportion of slower songs, this maintains the standard set by OST1 and even throws in a few more must-listen tracks. An essential purchase or acquisition for all Yoko Kanno fans.

Notable tracks: Go Tight, Cyberfolk Music, Dribble Dribble, Nike 15sai, Genesis of Aquarion

Licensing Reactions

  • Shounen Onmyouji (Geneon): A license that was refreshingly announced without much fanfare (probably since it will only be of interest to about ten people), Shounen Onmyouji isn’t a good enough show for me to be rushing out and buying the DVDs straightaway, but maybe if a thinpak appears at some point down the line, I might get that. Then again, if there happens to be a Mokkun plushie packaged as a DVD extra, I could rethink my position for at least one volume.

Mini-editorial: The value of single volume reviews
Although there’s more flexibility to write about what you want on a blog, volume by volume reviews of DVDs and manga are the lifeblood of most anime review websites- after all, boxsets aside, that’s what the companies send you to review, and they probably wouldn’t be too pleased if you just let the volumes pile up for months before writing anything. Even so, to the casual reader, how useful is a review that only covers a small percentage of the entire series?

Now, admittedly both the initial and final volumes and their respective first and last impressions can be a useful guide, but when you haven’t seen a series and want a quick idea of whether to spend your hard earned cash on it, seven or so separate reviews for that series may simply seem like too much hard work to sift through in order to gather an overall picture. Instead, it probably sounds infinitely easier to read a complete series review to more effectively get an impression of it.

That is not to say single volume reviews are completely without merit; after all, it can be interesting to delve into more specifics than a blanket review would allow- and if it’s well written, you may want to read it regardless of how relevant the content is to you. Unfortunately, the long-term appeal is a lot more limited; with the passing of time, many more people are likely to come and read your Last Exile series review than they are your Last Exile #5 review- and anyone who hasn’t first watched volumes 1-4 isn’t likely to touch it all.

At the end of the day, single volume reviews aren’t likely to go away any time soon, but aside from perhaps the aforementioned initial and final volume pieces, their overall value and effectiveness to the readership seems somewhat less than complete series reviews. Is this something review websites like AoD and ANN should take into account- should they even come up with ways to integrate disparate reviews so that they can be displayed in a more cohesive way for those who want a general impression? Or should readers just accept that they won’t get that sort of content from those websites, and resign themselves to searching elsewhere? Perhaps a series review should be written at the end, with links to the original single volume reviews for those looking for more detail.

Harem of the week: Shugo Kunisaki- .hack//Legend of the Twilight
His goal is to become a hero in The World, and that means he needs women around to help him with such trivialities as levelling up and completing quests. Once he can accomplish these tasks on his own, they can sit back and admire him.

Harem

Rena: Twincest alert! Why else have your sister play as BlackRose than to stare at her exposed virtual flesh? For her part, Rena is fond of calling for her Onii-chan a lot, and seems to be a useless player despite secretly levelling up.

Mireille: In the real world she’s four years old, covering the loli requirements, whilst playing as a chirpy rare item hunter in the vein of her mother.

Ouka: The seductive older woman, she’s an accomplished warrior online, and can even transform into a wolf.

Hotaru: The quiet, shy and essentially helpless one- even though she’s a Wavemaster she relies on magic scrolls in order to cast spells. And before anyone chimes in and says her player is a male, that only happened in a CD drama, so it’s not canon.

Rivals

Balmung: His bishie charms entrance Rena right from the start; although Shugo seems to have the upper hand in the long haul, he presents a threat throughout the series.

Komiyama: A classmate determined to claim Rena for his own; luckily he’s fairly incompetent.

Fashion police

This week we take a look at Haseo in his Twin Blade attire (his other forms can be considered on a future occasion). To be fair, the lower half of his costume is not too bad, despite the odd gold and black contraption at the back, but once we move upwards, the problems begin. As if the bare tattooed chest wasn’t bad enough, Haseo has chosen to expose his shoulders as well, keeping up the .hack tradition of exposing as much unnecessary flesh as possible. The wrist guards are also slightly suspect, with their bulkiness seeming out of place compared to his slim arms.

In game form, the major difference is that there are more buckled straps, whilst the back of the hair is flatter, resulting in a worse hairstyle overall.

Fashion sense: C- (anime), D+ (game)

Amusing Search Terms

bouncing breasts: Try ADV’s patented Jiggle Meter.

you toube, you toube tsubasa, you toube sex: Porn, or Tsubasa Chronicle? You decide.

lolicon: Still popular.

big o new opening: My corrupt mind sees all sorts of possibilities in this innocent search.

danbooru alternative: Go and find one of the many other blogs who actually wrote about this.

dare to have sex: Be responsible, kids.

raw manga hop step jump: I’m neither Jeff Lawson nor a raw manga reader…sorry.