Pumpkin Scissors parody 7 part I

Whilst Alice is forced to stay home and endure the twin evils of HARD YURI and STRAIGHT with her sisters and fiancé respectively, the rest of Section III is sent out to investigate an anonymous tip about a new form of HARD GAY. Will it be able to teach them secrets they don’t know, or is it just another case of someone trying to pass of a Dagger as a Sword?


(“I have read about this new form of HARD GAY, and it sounds interesting.”)


“Here, I’d like you to take a look at this.”


“We received this tip about a new type of HARD GAY.”


“Are you sure we can trust this? What if it’s dangerous or life-threatening?”


“Investigating new types of HARD GAY is what this unit is all about!”


“I’m still not convinced.”


“We’ve been in this situation before.”


“We would investigate these new types of HARD GAY, and find they were just poorly disguised basic.”


“Surely you must have discovered at least some new methods?”


“Well, we do now and then, but not often.”


“Look, no matter what happens, we’ll always have the HARD GAY we already know, and anything we learn is just a bonus.”


Machs declines some pre-mission HARD GAY in favour of saving his strength.


“Hey, everyone- we haven’t had DOG in a while!”


“Right, let’s see what DOG is all about.”


“Not bad.”


The DOG session is interrupted by news that Alice has a fiancé.


“She can’t have a fiancé- I thought she was dedicated to having Sword with us!”


(“I wonder if this would help enhance my Sword.”)


“I want some HARD YURI!”


“Okay, Sister, just a moment.”


(“I may be a woman, but I don’t really like HARD YURI.”)


“I’m impatient for HARD YURI!”


“I’m ready for HARD YURI now.”


“All right, let’s have a punishment session!”


“I don’t like it when you get rough!”


“In the bedroom, you must address me as Mistress!”


“Elice, she’s just a beginner- you should give her gentle HARD YURI.”


“You don’t want to scar her.”


“She has to learn the hard way, or she’ll just play with her Sword forever!”


“Sister, I really don’t want to have HARD YURI!”


“Why are you so dumb? Women have HARD YURI with each other- that’s the way it goes!”


“Now, go and dress like a woman so we can have proper HARD YURI!”


“I told you I don’t like HARD YURI!”


“I don’t want to hear it.”


“…You must become skilled at HARD YURI!”


“Okay then, I’ve changed!”


“Ah, much better.”


“You won’t need this for HARD YURI.”


“Well then, could I at least bring a Sword?”


(“She really doesn’t get HARD YURI, does she?”)


Fiancé Schultz interrupts the HARD YURI session in the hopes of getting some STRAIGHT.


“Now, let’s get some STRAIGHT!”


“I’m sorry to break up your HARD YURI, but I, er, we need some STRAIGHT.”


“Go ahead- she isn’t any good at HARD YURI anyway.”


(“I like STRAIGHT even less than HARD YURI…it’s BI Sword or nothing for me.”)


“Take off your clothes!”


Meanwhile, Randel is distracted when he catches a glimpse of an amusingly shaped carrot.


“Hey, Oreld, look at that carrot!”


They also spot an outpost selling BI.


“Please queue up and wait for BI.”


“It’s volunteer BI- they don’t even charge for it.”


“I’ve heard tell that some nobles will even offer free BI to desperate people.”


“Others are just civilians, who aren’t as skilled.”


“What do you mean, take your clothes off?”


“Isn’t it obvious? I want STRAIGHT.”


“You must be good in bed.”


“They say you’re a freak- the only woman in the world able to have HARD GAY.”


“Who cares?”


“It just upsets me that you aren’t interested in STRAIGHT.”


“Look, I’m not bothered about it, so you shouldn’t be either.”


“Why must you offer Sword to anyone who needs it?”


“You should be selling yourself at the highest prices!”


“I can’t seem to trigger the event that opens this door.”


“And all the entrances are the same anyway- how am I supposed to know which one to open?”


“Okay, this is obviously a lock picking puzzle.”


“Who fancies some Pick?”


“That sort of HARD GAY again?”


“Trust me, master this and you can sell it for a nice price.”


Whilst Oreld unzips his trousers, Randel contemplates trying DOG again.