Tuesday Rumble: July 10th

I was going to give you some amusing spam e-mails in this introduction, but after the copying and pasting resulted in an immense block of text I decided to scrap it for something even funnier- this little gem. I never noticed any referrals from it before, but now, nine months after the fact, I have to laugh at how the readers of this forum believed that my fake School Rumble info was actually real…and then laugh some more.

Shion’s Salon

Customer welfare is our highest priority at Shion’s Salon.

Welcome to Shion’s Salon, where a Higurashi style facial awaits! Experience face masks that will gently exfoliate your skin with hydrochloric acid, whilst we remove unsightly facial blemishes like your eyes, nose and lips! Observe as we whiten your teeth- after extracting them to better clean those hard to reach places! Enjoy our special needle massage, complete with free body piercings!

Once you have enjoyed your session at Shion’s salon, be sure to stop and relax in our spare stone cells, free from comfort and distraction. When the time comes to pay, we don’t even need money, for you can just as easily settle your debts by offering up your own limbs.

Book a place at Shion’s Salon today- we guarantee that your next of kin will be delighted with the service you receive!

Another satisfied customer.

Extracts from the Book of HARD GAY: Who to sleep with in SaiMono World

Shi Ryuuki: As the emperor, Ryuuki is a master of elegant and refined Sword. Said to swing both ways and be experienced in the ways of BI.

Shi Seiran: His royal blood makes him another master of Sword; however his time in exile has taught him rough and intense methods. He is able to satisfy any lover, but prefers Ensei.

Ran Shuuei: Knowledgeable in all kinds of esoteric techniques, he gets annoyed if he is not allowed to be dominant in the bedroom. Rumours claim he has mastered BI as well as HARD GAY.

Li Kouyuu: Hates women to the extent of specialising in HARD GAY. Sessions with Reishin have made him used to being submissive, but he would never openly admit that on a first date.

Rou Ensei: A rough yet passionate lover, his specialty is Staff. He works best in a group session with Seiran.

To Eigetsu/Yougetsu: A quiet and submissive lover, Eigetsu has learned his HARD GAY techniques from books rather than experience but still offers a pleasing experience for shota lovers. Feed him alcohol to turn him into the rough, aggressive and dominant Yougetsu.

Kou Shouka: His eyes are permanently closed, but he has hidden talents in the bedroom that belie his near-generic appearance.

Kou Kurou: A rigid lover who prefers standard HARD GAY techniques- not one to experiment.

Kou Reishin: A demanding lover who insists on having it his way. He likes to be called pet names in the bedroom, such as “Uncle”.

Ran Ryuuren: An eccentric lover with a fondness for trying out new fetishes; he is good for a one night stand, but shies away from long term relationships by mysteriously disappearing. A master of Flute lessons.

Kou Kijin: His mask opens at the mouth in order to better facilitate certain techniques, yet his beauty and skill is such that full HARD GAY would cause his partners to die in the throes of Pleasure.

Hyou Riou: Rumoured to be much older than he looks, Riou combines looks with experience. The lack of females in his clan means that he has mastered every possible HARD GAY technique, but he now hungers for BI.

Heki Hakumei: Still young and learning the ways of HARD GAY; somewhat angry and frustrated that the leads get more than him. Approach with caution if aiming to seduce.

Sa Enjun: A practised lover, even after his death he offered Pleasure in spectral form.

Shou Taishi: He may look old, but he can turn into a young man when Pleasure is in the offing. Take advantage of his years of experience.

Sou Taifu: A rough and aggressive lover, he likes to play bedroom games and has been known to cool the libido of an over-eager lover by throwing them into a pond.

Sa Chuushou: A chair-bound man who prefers the standard methods of HARD GAY; becomes enraged if not allowed to be dominant.

Sa Soujun: Only one step above a generic in terms of looks and technique; his Spear is adequate but he often insists on smashing wooden objects during the act of Pleasure.

Sa Sakujun: A skilled BI lover with a penchant for trying out dangerous new techniques in order to appeal to his jaded palate. Likes to savour the moment, to the extent of sometimes taking years to reach a climax.

Sa Kokujun: A weakling who only recently learned the ways of HARD GAY, he has picked up knowledge from Ensei, Eigetsu, Seiran and Ryuuren, and combines their skills into an inferior product. He is currently being indoctrinated into the ways of STRAIGHT by his wife, and so he may not be available anyway.

Sai Shou: A shrewd lover who only ever gives 80% of his full capabilities in the bedroom.

Tei Yuushun: He may look generic, but he has hidden skills that have been known to bring more powerful men to their knees.

Highlander: Search for Vengeance

“Explosions mean nothing to me- even if they are in mid-air!”

“Ah, a convenient landing point; laws of physics- suspend!”

“You don’t see this sort of thing every day now, do you?”

“Let us settle this on the wing of my plane with some efficient German Gun.”

“Mine is most definitely bigger than yours!”

“Why are bars always filled with seedy looking people? Why can’t I go and look for information in a more reputable establishment?”

Early Sword and Axe is glimpsed.

“Take this- Four-Way Spear!”

“Get this naked woman off me- I only need men!”

Random Thoughts: Soutetsu Ibaragi

After our interview with Akidzuki was published, we were contacted by Iroha’s Soutetsu Ibaragi, who wanted to set the story straight on some of the things Akidzuki said.

As the scriptwriter for the series, can you justify the series finale?

Everyone blames me for that, but I was under pressure from Sunrise to include certain ideas they had come up with during a particularly intense dango session. If you ask me, I did rather given the constraints- I had to keep the butterflies and switches in, but I was able to talk them out of the giant mushrooms.

I almost wish we could have seen that. Did you deliberately limit Akidzuki’s role to prevent the main character’s ego from getting out of hand?

Akidzuki was the main character? I always approached the series as if I was the lead.

Well then, moving on- what’s so great about BI anyway?

I can’t believe that you would question the worth of BI! It is the ultimate form of Pleasure, far beyond mere HARD GAY or STRAIGHT. BI is filled with techniques and possibilities beyond the comprehension of the mere generic- it is truly the future!

Okay, okay- so out of all the Iroha characters, which did you most want to sleep with?

I always had my eye on Akidzuki and Kanna of course, and Hijikata was a solid experience. To be honest, though, there was no one really capable of matching my prowess.

And finally, what do you think of plans to create IrohaWarriors and Iroha Tactics games in RPG Maker?

I hope I will be asked to have some creative input, and also made the strongest character.

This Week in Anime

“By the power of apples, I shall defeat thee!”

“And raise you by two bananas!”

Haseo takes on a new role as a cast member in Gunbuster 2.

Only apples can cure the pain of this washed out animation.

Persimmons continue their ascendancy.

HARD GAY corner: Gundam Seed Destiny

Desperate to quash rumours of their HARD GAY relationship, Kira and Athrun agree to separate and play at being STRAIGHT with Lacus and Cagalli respectively. Naturally, they cannot keep it up forever, with Athrun being the first one to crack when he returns to ZAFT to enjoy HARD GAY with up and coming young men Shinn and Rey.

Jealous of their HARD GAY, female pilot Lunamaria and sister Meyrin try to steal Athrun for the BI side, as does Lacus impersonator Meer Campbell. Athrun is saved from temptation by the appearance of semi-bishie male pilot Heine, but when he dies he becomes slowly disillusioned with the HARD GAY in ZAFT, eventually choosing to return to Kira’s arms.

Later, Shinn tries his own BI with Extended Human Stellar, and even falls prey to Lunamaria’s charms, much to Rey’s disgust. Fearful that his lover might actually turn to women (or worse yet, long for Athrun’s superior charms), Rey manipulates his partner with the promise of advanced HARD GAY techniques passed down by the bishie Chairman Durandal.

In time, however, both Rey and Durandal die, and Shinn, now bereft of partner, is forced to watch as Kira and Athrun have wild, passionate HARD GAY.

OST Spotlight: Windy Tales

The magic of Windy Tales can be instantly invoked by the power of this soundtrack alone, a collection of gentle piano, wind and synth that stands just as well on its own as in the context of the series. Admittedly, at times, it threatens to become a little too much like filler “muzak”, but overall the OST remains on just the right side of good, proving easy on the ears rather than dull or grating.

Notable tracks: Kaze no Hajimari, Kaze no Keiji, Kazaetachi no Kyuusoku, Kazetachi no Fuan, Kaze to Humming, Tsumetai Minamikaze, Fuujin no Ibuki, Koi Natsukaze ni Notte, Yuuhi no Iro Dake

Mini-editorial: Do we really want anime to become mainstream?

To some anime fans, it is a long-cherished dream- a world where every passing stranger knows what anime is; where DVDs and manga can easily be found in any store for bargain basement prices and merchandise litters the streets. On the surface, it may seem like a glittering reality of promise, but there are those of us who have to ask ourselves- is that really what we want?

Naturally, I’m not one to be averse to cheaper and more readily available legit goods, but I have to admit to a degree of selfishness on this point- personally, I would be happy if anime never broke into the mainstream. Yes, I know this makes me a terrible person, but it just happens to be the way I feel; there’s just something about having a hobby that isn’t infested by every bandwagon-jumping random generic out there who wants to don a pair of cat ears and scream “kawaii” every five minutes. Yes, it would be nice to have the odd real life discussion with someone who is more than an “I saw Evangelion on the Sci-Fi Channel once” fan, and it would save on explaining what anime is every time you end up in a situation where you admit to liking it, but still those initial reactions persist.

This resistance is, of course, a personal thing, but it doesn’t just come out of the blue- time and again I’ve found myself turned off franchises because of the excessive hype, and the endless shoving of them down my throat. Once, I felt fairly benign towards Harry Potter, for example, but years of cosplaying siblings and endless, pointlessly expensive merchandise has caused me to view the whole thing with emotions ranging from annoyance to disinterest. Even games which I once enjoyed lose their lustre when younger family members start continually talking about them, watching YouTube related videos and the like.

Ultimately, then, am I just pretentious and egotistical for wanting anime not to break into the mainstream? Quite probably, but aside from wanting a few tweaks, I’m happy with the way things are now. Long may we continue in a world where little kids aren’t all wearing Naruto t-shirts and throwing plastic kunai at us.

In Your Reflection

This week we see a face-off between three characters from both Code Geass and Gundam Seed- that’s right, it’s time to formally acknowledge on here that Lelouch, Suzaku and Euphemia are Athrun (with a hint of Shinn), Kira and Lacus. Yes, we’ve all known for ages, but they still deserve a brief mention in this spot.

Fashion Police: Delma

It can be hard to find appropriate clothing to wear when your skin is a hideous shade of pink, but alas, Delma makes all the wrong choices. Her lower legs and forearms are at least covered, but the scarcity of clothing elsewhere is somewhat undesirable, and relying on a purple loincloth is a big no-no- what if it comes undone in battle?

Fashion sense: F

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: buso renkin tokiko nude, hard yaoi, auditionsea perfect hack

darker than black nude: Did you know that Mao is naked in every episode? Now that’s extreme!

dot .hack//g.u. hentai doujinshi: Haseo X Endrance, I can see that going down.

school rumble yaoi: Or how about a spot of Harima X Hanai? Come on, we all knew that tension between them was a sign that something more was going on.

rpgmaker loli game: who gets turned on by loli sprites?

will beyblading become real: Yes- yes it will.

extreme mahjong: Beware, it’s Mahjong to the X-treme!

can beyblade kill: Yes, so don’t watch too much at once- it’s a slow and painful death akin to taking an overdose of paracetamol.

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7 Responses to Tuesday Rumble: July 10th

  1. Infiny says:

    My god, how many people come to this site through wtf Beyblade searches?! xD Its like every single week! I do however have to say that your summary of GSD is the most accurate one I have ever heard. And I’m not even kidding D:

    But uh, well, if it makes you feel better (though I guess I could be as equally pretentious and egotistical), I also feel the same way about anime becoming mainstream. I find it cheaply enough and lots of people do seem to know about it (well, in the US and among my age group anyway), so I’m fine with how it is. You just had to make me cry with visions of obnoxious children in supermarkets with ninja headbands, didn’t you? D:

  2. Skh says:

    I’m amazed at how these guys weren’t able to catch the obvious irony in your announce for future School Rumble seasons.

    Oh, and these beyblade searches are hilarious. Some people are really nuts…

  3. Karura says:

    Infiny: Yay, let’s be pretentious and egotistical together 😉 …sorry, but I just had to share my nightmare about the kids.

    Write one article about Beyblade and it seems to attract all kinds of weirdoes; I think I’ll have to wind them up a bit by writing some tips on taking over the world with Beyblades.

  4. Neriya says:

    Haha, I don’t know whether to laugh or be sad at how badly those people have been brainwashed by School Rumble to actually believe it.

  5. Karura says:

    I think it’s best to laugh, because if you think too deeply you start to realise there are people out there who seriously think a spin-off about Napoleon the pig is a viable option.

  6. Neriya says:

    Hmm, though come to think about it I think I’d probably prefer to watch that than Harima, Tenma, Eri and Yakumo failing to get anywhere in their relationships over an entire 26 episodes… -_-;

  7. Karura says:

    Now that you mention it, I don’t think it could possibly be more painful than the later episodes of season two…

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