Tuesday Rumble: July 17th

Fei Wong’s Villain Phrasebook

Greetings, aspiring villains of the week, month and series! Have you ever found yourself stuck for something to say in a tense situation? If so, Fei Wong’s Villain’s Phrasebook was written for you, and to show you how useful it can be, Tuesday Rumble has been given permission to print an extract from the book as special preview.

When things go wrong

Remember, you must never seem to have made a mistake, no matter how poor your judgement was in any given situation. To that end, use these catch-all phrases to shift blame away from yourself.

• “You may have won this time, Hero, but no matter- everything is going to plan!”: try to instil the impression that you know what you are doing by pretending that events are all proceeding in accordance with a higher-order plan that only you can understand.
• “You may think you have won, but this is just the outcome I hoped for!”: A stronger version of the above.
• “So, you foiled my plans for now, but I won’t give up so easily!”: sometimes, even the most skilled bluffer cannot cover up a blunder. In this case, admit your mistake but make up for it with unshakeable determination.
• “This didn’t play out as imagined, but no matter- in the end, I will be victorious!”: similarly, you can pretend that there is simply no need to sweat the small stuff- the means are unimportant since the outcome will be to your advantage.

Dealing with underlings

Underling incompetence is something you will inevitably come across, and you must be prepared to deal with it. One method is to simply kill the offending minion, but if you wish to let them live, you must have a good phrase with which to do it.

• “I will give you another chance, but mark my words- fail me again and your will adorn a spike on the castle gates”: threats of physical violence are an invaluable motivational aid- feel free to be creative and replace the second half of the sentence with your favourite punishment.

• “I will give you a new weapon with which to complete your task, but this time, I expect results!” A catch-all phrase for upgrading the underling with your latest device or transformation.

• “Remember, the lives of your family depend on your success.”: if the underling cares little for their own safety, motivate them by threatening their nearest and dearest.

• “If you ever want to see your son again, do exactly as I say!”: similar to the above- use variations on this phrase to “encourage” an underling who has started to sympathise with the heroes.

Explaining your goals

Any villain worth his salt should be able to set forth his aims in a clear and coherent manner, and these phrases will help you do just that.

• “This world is in chaos and disorder; I must replace it with a new and better one.”: the perfect excuse for destroying the world.
• “Humanity has become tainted and corrupt; they need a new order.”: insist that you are taking action for the good of everyone.
• “This is my centuries-old destiny.”: if in doubt, just shift the blame to the people who came before you- you are merely fulfilling their wishes.

We hope you have found these extracts useful, and encourage you to order your copy of Mr F.W. Reed’s work from your local bookseller.

How to spot a Darker than Black cat

As felines become ever more powerful in our world, it becomes imperative to know how to tell between an ordinary and fairly harmless black cat, and a powerful darker than black cat. Here are a few tips to help you identify whether your cat is merely black, or a sinister darker shade of black.

• Observe your cat in a dark room- if it seems to form a hole in space into which you will inevitably drawn into, it is darker than black.
• A DtB cat is more intelligent than an average cat, since it is linked to a wireless network containing part of its consciousness.
• DtB cats are especially lazy, and will tend to grow fatter over time (may require long term observation).
• DtB cats are also particularly evil, and have acquired a taste for human flesh. Observe your cat when it is in a playful mood- will it react to cat toys and pieces of clothing, or does it only go after human flesh?

Nodame Cantabile 21

Such baseless accusations.

“Did you like your first taste of HARD GAY?”

“Seduced by my manly charms, he gave himself up to bliss.”

“It was the best HARD GAY of my life!”

“If only I was more than a passing character of little plot importance.”

Nodame’s piano somehow transports to a psychedelic location.

Koutetsu Sangokushi no Go

“He’s the best Go player I’ve ever met- a 9-dan!”

“For within it dwells the spirit of Fujiwara-no-Sai!”

“I love Go, and yet there is more to it than a mere game.”

“…perhaps he must study shogi.”

“He was obsessed with the game.”

Random Thoughts: Athrun

This week we chat to Athrun of Gundam Seed and Destiny fame. So, Athrun, did you ever feel annoyed that you were cheated of screen time and God Mode in favour of Kira?

Of course I did! I am much bishier than he is, and an all-round superior person, but those damned writers forced me to play second fiddle to him!rn

So, your HARD GAY feelings towards him don’t extend across your professional lives, then?

Who said anything about being HARD GAY for Kira?

Oh, come on, everyone can see it- and no STRAIGHT man would pilot a pink Gundam.

How dare you make such accusations? Didn’t you see me with Cagalli, Lunamaria and Meyrin? I’m a real ladykiller!

I think they call this denial, but anyway, moving on…how do you justify the awfulness of Destiny?

I don’t see why I should justify it- I did the best with the material I was given, but those damned writers wanted to focus on Kira and angsty Shinn.

And I suppose the flashbacks were to help us all remember what happened last episode, in case we had forgotten.

Yeah, that’s right…now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with Kira…er, I mean an entirely MANLY outing where we discuss girls and drinking and stuff like that. Goodbye.

This Week in Anime

Shirley (from the manga of the same name) reveals that she was a previous owner of a Rozen Maiden.

Where some villains rely on the Bank of Scotland, others prefer English money.

Kou family conference on the best techniques for disabling oranges is held in SaiMono.

“Greens to Base: we have successfully infiltrated the Red basket.”

Al offers backup to the Reds by taking out a Green agent.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

“Now, which one shall I choose?”

“Hands off- those apples are more important than you are!”

“No, don’t put them in the mixer! They’ve done nothing wrong!”

Magatamas make a return appearance.

HARD YURI corner: Devil Lady

Jun Fudou always enjoyed HARD YURI with her friend Kazumi, but when the enigmatic Asuka Ran showed her the ways of bestiality, she became torn between the two. Desperate to keep her lover, Kazumi moved in with Jun and even suggested that they buy a double bed, although Jun sidestepped this by ordering a bunk bed.

Soon, Jun settled into a routine of pleasuring Kazumi by day and having bestial HARD YURI with Asuka by night, but it was a situation that could not last- especially as various male admirers continually tried to tempt her to BI. After various events, Kazumi finally learned bestiality in order to be closer to Jun, but died shortly after, leaving Jun to Asuka. Asuka revealed that she was the ultimate HARD YURI dream- a woman with a Zhuge Liang- but after she violently raped Jun, Jun realised she actually preferred Kazumi’s gentle touch all along. With this in mind, she killed Asuka in one last intense session of BEAST, and prepared to start a new life- hopefully finding a new lover along the way as all her male and female admirers had long since been killed.

OST spotlight: Final Fantasy VIII

Another step up from the preceding Final Fantasy OST, FF8 starts well enough with some memorable themes, but unfortunately becomes distinctly average by the end of its four disc selection. Several tracks appear to have a slightly different arrangement than their in-game versions, making them more suited for listening to outside the context of the game; all of them are synth heavy, however, although with more complex instrumentation than FF6-7. Looping is less of an issue here, although in its place the key themes are remixed many times.

Notable tracks: Liberi Fatali, Balamb Garden, Blue Fields, Don’t Be Afraid, The Landing, Force Your Way, The Man With the Machine Gun, The Extreme

Worthiness: It’s heavy on synths and remixes, but in true FF tradition it delivers some decent themes.

Mini-editorial: The dangers of pretension

It is tempting to become pretentious when talking about anything- given the right mix of rhetoric and high-sounding phrases, anyone can sound educated enough to scare off their peers. Indeed, some interesting discussion can arise out of this sort of post, but when it comes down to it, perhaps we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that anime is not the most high brow subject matter. After all, for every Mushishi there are all too many Mahoromatics and World of Narues- light entertainment intended purely as titillation. And when you come down to it, are we writing about anything more than nice-looking cartoons designed to entertain viewers and fill half hour slots on television? To quote from Animation Runner Kuromi, “we’re not making high art- this is business”.

The point, then, is that while it may indeed be interesting to make in-depth studies and overanalyse everything, we should equally not take it all too seriously. If we can’t step back once in a while and just look at our hobby from an outside point of view, we may well end up getting too wrapped in it for our own good.

Harem of the week: Takayuki Narumi (Kimi ga Nozomu Eien)

When your first girlfriend ends up in a coma, the solution to your angst is clear- assemble a harem of devoted women to permeate every corner of your life.

Harem

Haruka: The original girlfriend and ditzy type; ends up in a coma for three years before awakening without being told how much time has passed.

Mitsuki: The rival who always had feelings for the lead, takes Haruka’s place as main girlfriend when her friend falls into a coma.

Akane: Haruka’s younger sister, has hidden feelings for Takayuki.

Ayu and Mayu: The work colleagues, one rude and outspoken, the other quiet and klutzy.

Nurses: Three nurses at Haruka’s hospital, comprising the sick loli, the sexy older woman and the shy student.

Rivals

Shinji: Former school friend with feelings for Mitsuki.

Fashion Police: Bebedora

Compared to some of the other Arc TOS designs, Bebedora may not seem too bad, but take a closer look and you have to question what the designer was smoking. Even discounting the worrying predominance of pink, the yoghurt-pot hat that covers the top half of the head and the oversized shoes, we must ask- why is there a mouth in her dress? Worse yet, in combat the mouth can actually open and close, dispensing items if needed.rn

Fashion sense: E

Amusing Search Terms

It seems the reason “you toube” doesn’t appear anymore is that Google now automatically gives the results for searching for “YouTube”€ instead.

hunter x hunter Chimera Ant video: how can you have a video of something that was never animated?

self pleasure techniques: lol, hahaha, lmao, etc

sex 23: what’s the 23 for? Is it the searcher’s age, the number of people they wish to do it with, or a class like “Home Improvement 101″?

romeo benvolio gay: Benvolio can only dream of stealing Romeo away from his HORSE.

Koutetsu Sangokushi gay?: Surely not.

girls hard nipples: How can I be anywhere near the top results for this search

live lolicon: :

barren wasteland: I didn’t think my blog was that bad.

anime kos-mos naked +photos: you do know she’s only programmed for HARD YURI with Shion, right?