Romeo X Juliet parody episode 16

At the Keep, Hermione confronts Mercutio.

Hermione: I somehow magically heard that there was an accident in the mines! Do you think Romeo survived?

Mercutio: Unfortunately, he did, which puts paid to my plans of becoming the main character.

Hermione: Don’t say that! Juliet is the one we must get rid of, so that I can replace her. In fact, I shall go and do that right now!

Hermione rushes off to visit the mines. Meanwhile, Juliet’s party continues onwards to Ariel’s summer house.

Juliet: Enter Romantic Angst Mode! Ah, Romeo, how much I love you.

Francisco: God, this is so boring- at least you get to take the reins and have HORSE, Curio.

As Juliet’s HP has dropped through sitting in the carriage and angsting, the party takes a break. Antonio shows Juliet a cricket.

Antonio: Look, Juliet, a bug! Do you think I can become a Mushishi?

Juliet: Somehow, I doubt it.

Antonio: Oh. Well then, er- do you really love Romeo?

(Antonio: I have to find out if I’m still in with a chance.)

Juliet: Of course- I just hope that Gonzo writes us an ending where we live happily ever after.

Francisco and Curio watch from afar.

Francisco: You know, we could have avoided this whole mess if you’d just dated Juliet from the start.

Curio: I tried to think of her as a man, I really did, but even the cross-dressing could not disguise the fact that she had no Liang for HARD GAY.

Francisco: Didn’t you ever consider having BI?

Curio: I’m not interested in BI!

In order to prove his point, Curio tackles Francisco and begins having HARD GAY with him.

Francisco: Hey, you know I don’t like it when someone else is on top! I’ll be the ‘driver’ for the next session, if you get my drift.

At the Keep, Montague talks to Mercutio.

Montague: Mercutio, what do you think of your father? Has he ever expressed sympathies for grapes?

Mercutio: Well, I have to admit that he has been known to eat them.

Montague: In that case, I may have to ask you to dispose of him in exchange for more screen time.

(Mercutio: I always said I would do anything for more screen time, but can I really kill my old man?)

Whilst Juliet’s party finally reaches the summer house, Hermione single-handedly takes a carriage to the mines. Unfortunately, she is attacked by bandits on the way.

Bandit 1: Should we rough her up a bit?

Bandit 2: Nah, we’re not being paid enough for that- let’s just steal her carriage but leave her otherwise unharmed.

The bandits ride off in Hermione’s carriage.

Hermione: This is all Juliet’s fault! She’s taken every measure to prevent me from succeeding!

Hermione walks around for a while before hitching a ride on a carriage.

Carriage Driver: Hey, you have to pay for a ride, you know!

Hermione: Pay? I’m a named character!

Carriage Driver: Are you? I don’t see you here on the list of most important characters.

Hermione: What!? Fine, then take this Key Item Ruby Ring as payment.

Juliet, Curio and new character Reagan go into town to do some shopping. Juliet picks up a carrot.

(Juliet: The shape of this carrot reminds me of Romeo’s Liang.)

Hermione arrives in town, but her HP is low. Juliet comes over to see if she is all right.

Hermione: Stay away from me, hussy!

Hermione runs behind a carriage wheel and tries to attack with a small stone. Curio stops her.

Curio: Don’t do that- a small stone like that could KO Juliet!

Hermione: Then take this! Hateful Words!

Hermione shouts at Juliet, thus draining all her HP. She is taken back to the summer house.

Curio: Juliet, you should be careful; she’s Level One, more than a match for you.

Juliet: Sorry, but I fancy some HARD YURI.

Juliet washes Hermione, who wakes up some time later.

Juliet: Oh, hello, Hermione- I hope you don’t mind, but while you were asleep I took advantage of you.

Hermione: How dare you!?

Hermione grabs a knife that was sensibly left by her bedside and tries to stab Juliet. Juliet catches the blade with her hand.

Juliet: Wow, they said you were Level One, but you can’t be more than Level Zero!

Hermione: It’s all your fault! If you weren’t around, this could have been Romeo X Hermione!

Juliet: But I love Romeo!

Hermione: He’s my fiancé, bitch!

Juliet: I love him!

Hermione: Hmm, you must really love him.

The next morning, Hermione comes down to breakfast.

Hermione: Having accomplished precisely nothing, I have decided to go home again, thus negating the point of this entire episode. Farewell, losers.

Hermione leaves. Meanwhile, back in Neo Verona, Mercutio pays a visit to his wine-sipping father.

(Titus: If I sip wine, maybe I can become a villain.)

(Mercutio: I see grapes in that fruit bowl over there; Montague was right to suspect him.)

To be continued…

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