Emilia, Conrad and Shakespeare ride towards the summer house.
Emilia: Wow, it’s episode seventeen and I’m still getting screen time! I thought I was going to be a one shot character!
Shakespeare: Can you shut up for a moment? I still can’t come up with a decent plot for this series!
At the mines, Romeo receives a message that he and the workers are not allowed to return.
Romeo: We aren’t? I thought my father would welcome us all with open arms.
Generic: What are we going to do? We’re all going to die, and worse yet, no one will even care!
Romeo: Nonsense, you have a main character with you! I know, why don’t we occupy the conveniently abandoned village? It’ll be like the beginning of our own farming simulation!
Conrad and the others arrive at the summer house.
Emilia: Hey, is that Odin over there? Why’s he dressed as a woman?
Juliet: It’s a long story, but basically I am really a woman- I just dressed as a man to satisfy Conrad’s fetishes.
Conrad: Here, Juliet, I have something for you- the sword that you left behind when you ran away, and that you can barely use anyway.
Juliet: I know I really messed up last time, but it’s later in the series now, so I’ll try to do things right.
Later, Antonio spots Camillo (previously spelt Camio) in town, and reports back to Francisco and Curio.
Francisco: Hmm, Camillo was the minor evil who thwarted our plans a while back- the writers must be really scraping the barrel. Anyway, we’d better go and find out what he’s doing.
Juliet: I’ll come too! Maybe I can stay in the back row and level up a bit.
Francisco, Curio and Juliet follow Camillo back to his house.
Camillo: Named characters! Why can’t you just leave alone and let me fade into one-shot obscurity?
Tybalt appears from upstairs.
Camillo: Tybalt, save me! I am your father!
Tybalt: You are far too ugly to be worthy of me. Now go away and let the camera have a close-up on my good looks.
Tybalt goes back to his room, and Juliet follows. She sees a picture of the Capulet family on the wall.
Juliet: Why do you have a portrait of the Capulets here? Are you related to them?
Tybalt: I’m glad you asked, for now I can relate my tortuous back story. You see, my Capulet mother died, and although my real father did not disappear, he turned out to be Duke Montague.
Back in Neo Verona, Montague unveils a new golden statue of the goddess.
Montague: Gwakaka, this pointless statue will reinforce my iron rule over the city! I could have spent the money on something more productive, but then I might be seen as benevolent!
Titus: Ah, good day, Montague. I just thought now would be a good time to remind you that I am the only one who knows about your true origins, thus making me an annoying and potentially dangerous threat that you will have to kill soon. Also, of late I have been having odd cravings for grapes.
(Montague: Damn you!)
Back at his home, Tybalt continues with his back story.
Tybalt: Just in case you thought that was enough of a twist, I also have something else to tell you. Montague is said to be the son of a prostitute. There’s a whole flashback arc right there.
At the Keep, Titus brings Mercutio to Montague.
Titus: Mercutio, from tonight onwards I am giving you to Montague- you will take the place of his son, and give him the regular HARD GAY Romeo never bothered with.
Mercutio: I will service you well, sir, er, I mean Father!
Montague: Speaking of which, what do you say to some ‘sword’ practice, Titus? I hear you were a quite skilled lover in your youth.
The two men get their ‘swords’ out, and Montague begins having violent HARD GAY with Titus.
Mercutio: Grand Duke! I never knew your appetites were so intense!
Titus: Help me! I prefer a gentler lover!
Montague: Shut up whilst I have a Flashback Mode about how my mother died and my grape-eating Capulet father disappeared, thus explaining why I have an intense hatred of all Capulets, and also ironically meaning that Romeo and Juliet are related!
Titus: Just eat a few grapes and you’ll calm down!
Montague: Never mention the name of that accursed fruit in front of me! I even endured HARD GAY at the hands of the Montagues so that I could kill their heir and take his place! Everything I have done has been for the eradication of Capulets and grapes! And now I must compound my evil by killing you!
Titus: Mercutio, save me!
Mercutio: Sorry, Father, but if I step in, my screen time might get cut short!
Montague fatally stabs Titus, before turning to Mercutio.
Montague: Will you still become lover, even after seeing how rough my HARD GAY is?
Mercutio: Y-yes! I’ll do anything for screen time; commit any act, no matter how perverted!
Montague: Then kneel before me and take my Liang.
Mercutio does so.
To be continued…