The country of Shu is magically created by gathering Liu Bei, Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, Zhao Yun, Zhuge Liang and numerous cloned generics together in a castle.
Guan Yu: This is our land! Long-live Shu!
Zhang Fei: Take that, historical accuracy!
Liu Bei: This is boring! When are we going to get around to deciding my gender?
Zhuge Liang: Actually, what we need for that is the Lord’s Cube, which happens to be in Wu right now. I spent half the series helping Wu get it, but now the time has come for me to support Shu.
Meanwhile, Ling Tong and Sun Quan have HARD GAY out in the garden.
Sun Quan: You’ve certainly grown a bit, Ling Tong.
Ling Tong: You always bring a smile to my face, Sun Quan. Your HARD GAY is the best.
Sun Quan: And yours is practically the only HARD GAY I get.
Ling Tong and Sun Quan go indoors, where Taishi Ci and Lu Meng are having rough Pleasure.
Lu Meng: Taishi Ci, can’t you go easier on me?
Taishi Ci: With a thick Sword like yours, this should be easy for you.
Gan Ning: Pleasure and pain together…could this be bondage?
Everyone notices Sun Quan.
Lu Meng: My Lord! I hope our behaviour was not inappropriate.
Sun Quan: Getting rough in the bedroom is fine, but it’s important to practise gentleness too.
Lu Xun arrives.
Lu Xun: Okay, boys, are you ready to get down and dirty? Oh, my Lord- I didn’t realise you were here.
Ling Tong: Don’t worry, he’s here to join in the HARD GAY.
Sun Quan: Actually, I’m hungry- can we start with a spot of Ready Steady Cook?
Lu Meng: Of course- Lu Xun, what did you spend the meal budget on?
Lu Xun: Fish, and lots of it!
Sun Quan: Well, I look forward to seeing what kind of culinary masterpieces you can create from this.
Meanwhile, Lu Su checks on the Lord’s Cube, which is in the kind of impenetrable vault that thieves can easily break into.
Lu Su: Generics, guard this with your lives!
Guard: Sorry, but it’s our job to get overpowered within moments whenever named enemies show up.
Lu Su walks on, fondling his Dagger.
(Lu Su: Zhuge Liang, I know you meant well when you gave me this, but Hyper Self Pleasure isn’t enough! I need your warm embrace!)
After the cooking is complete, Lu Xun presents his meal, consisting of fish and various nondescript items. Unfortunately, Sun Quan isn’t there to eat it.
Lu Xun: Damn, how can I get a prize when there’s no one here to even taste my meal?
Ling Tong: Look, we can’t end this without closure- take the damn food to him!
Lu Xun duly goes to visit Sun Quan, who is doing paperwork.
Lu Xun: Uh, my Lord, would you mind tasting my food and telling me what you think?
Sun Quan eats the meal.
Lu Xun: So, what do you think?
(Sun Quan: This is awful, but it would break his heart to tell him that.)
Sun Quan: Um, er, it was, er, warm- yes, definitely warm.
Sun Quan and Lu Xun go outside.
Sun Quan: Nights like these always remind me of how Zhou Yu would Pleasure me with his tender Flute.
Lu Xun: Even now, I feel that I can hear him giving someone Flute- but it’s just wishful thinking.
Sun Quan grabs Lu Xun’s hand
Sun Quan: The only way we can get over our grief is to have as much HARD GAY as possible.
They have HARD GAY on a bridge.
Lu Xun: Ling Tong was right- you are a good lover.
Sun Quan: If you truly feel that way, we should have HARD GAY more often.
That night, Lu Su is drowning his sorrows in Zhuge Liang porn when Zhao Yun drops in.
Zhao Yun: Aw, look at the poor little boy- having to make do with porn whilst the rest of us are having wild HARD GAY in Shu.
Lu Su: Shu?
Zhao Yun: Yes, it’s a new nation dedicated entirely to the pursuit of HARD GAY.
Lu Su: It is? If that’s the case, take me there at once!
Zhao Yun: Hmm…you know I’m not sure if you’re skilled enough to be allowed in. Your best, well really your only bet is to give him something truly HARD GAY- say perhaps a Lord’s Cube?
The next day, Taishi Ci and Lu Meng are having Staff again whilst the others watch.
Ling Tong: Hey Aniki, why did you get back so late last night? I was waiting up for you!
Lu Xun: You told me to go and see him- you must have realised that we would have HARD GAY until the early hours.
Zhuge Jin: If you’re so worried about him cheating on you, you should ask if you can have a threesome.
Ling Tong: Shut up! Anyway, what about tonight?
Lu Xun: Sorry, but I already have another lover planned for this evening. Maybe I can pencil you in for next week.
That evening, Sun Quan is waiting for Lu Xun when Lu Su arrives.
Sun Quan: Lu Su! You’re not the partner I ordered- er, I mean, what a surprise to see you out so late.
Lu Su: Oh, I was just taking a random stroll, and not at all thinking of stealing the Lord’s Cube.
Sun Quan: That’s good, because if anyone was thinking of stealing it, my warriors and I would have to hunt them down and physically ensure that they could never have HARD GAY again.
Lu Su: Oh…right…
Lu Su gets out his Knife and takes Sun Quan hostage. He attacks the guards and unlocks that infamously ‘impenetrable’ vault. Lu Xun arrives on the scene just as he is taking the Lord’s Cube.
Lu Xun: Lu Su, what are you doing? Sun Quan already arranged to sleep with me tonight!
Lu Su: Do you think I even want him? I’m doing this just so that I can get Zhuge Liang to notice me!
Lu Xun: But- but I thought I was the one Master wanted!
Zhao Yun appears.
Zhao Yun: Hahaha, naïve as ever, I see. Nice work, Lu Su- now give the Lord’s Cube to me.
Lu Su: No way- this is my ticket into Zhuge Liang’s pants!
Zhao Yun: If you truly loved him, you would know he doesn’t wear any!
Zhao Yun gives Lu Su Dagger, before picking up the Lord’s Cube as he falls.
Zhao Yun: Alas, what a predictable turn of plot; I must attempt to enliven it by killing Sun Quan!
Zhao Yun throws a Dagger at Sun Quan.
Lu Su: Predictable Self Sacrifice!
Lu Su takes the Dagger.
Zhao Yun: Damn you, narrative conventions!
Lu Su: Lord Sun Quan, I’m sorry…I just wanted to see Zhuge Liang’s Sword.
Lu Su dies. Lu Xun tries to attack Zhao Yun, but is stopped when he is hit by a Paralysing Knife.
Zhao Yun: Well, I’ll be off with the Lord’s Cube now. Farewell, suckers.
Lu Xun: Master, why do your convoluted actions make no sense?
Lu Xun collapses.
To be continued…
I love how this anime manages to be ten times gay-er than your parody of it!