Antique Bakery parody episode 7

Despite it being August at the time of airing in the real world, Christmas has arrived in Antique world, and Ono has prepared some special cakes.

Tachibana: Is that white stuff on the cake chocolate?

Ono: Er, no…you’ll find out what that suspicious white liquid is when you taste it…

The others dig in.

Eiji: This fresh cream is great! It tastes wonderful!

Ono: Yes, er, ‘cream’…

Meanwhile, the retired officer turned detective is hanging around outside.

Detective: Screen time- has anyone got any screen time for me?

Ono: No, but I do have these cakes from my white range.

Detective: Oh, thank you.

(Ono: These cakes will sell like, well, hotcakes.)

Tachibana: Anyway, enough of that- I have an exciting announcement to make! On Christmas Eve I’m going to dress as Santa and climb down chimneys into kids’ bedrooms in order to leave them a special surprise! Or, since the broadcast standards won’t allow me to do that, just deliver them cakes with my Ferrari.

Chikage: Isn’t that a bit extreme?

Tachibana: I wouldn’t say so; of course, I’ll be expecting you to stay here and serve the customers by yourself.

Chikage: Young Master, I can’t do it without you!

Later, Tachibana is in the back trying to decide if he should shave.

Ono: You know, back in school I always thought you were cool- not the kind of guy who dresses up in a Santa suit!

Tachibana: Don’t you know that I have issues? As if it wasn’t bad enough that I was kidnapped and left with an irrational fear of strawberries, a girl once dumped me!

Tachibana proceeds to tell a Flashback Mode tale of how he was just too perfect for his girlfriend.

Ono: I knew women were nothing but trouble.

Chikage enters.

Chikage: Help, there’s a female customer outside! I don’t know what to do!

Tachibana heads out to handle it.

Woman: For Christmas, I’d like a massive cake made out of choux a la crème.

(Tachibana: I hope Ono can manage to produce that much of his special cream…)

Tachibana: Uh, we’ll see what we can do.

Begin Masterchef challenge!

Today’s Christmas challenge will see each contestant try to raise their game in a different area. Whilst Tachibana must learn how to decorate the perfect cake, Chikage will be out front serving, and the other two will be improving their baking techniques.

Tachibana: Caramel flick- aagh, it burns!

Tachibana’s early attempts with caramel are not going well. Meanwhile, Chikage has swiftly got the hang of handling four plates.

Tachibana: Ah, it must be because of your big hands- and when a man’s hands are big, you know what that says about his Liang.

(Ono: Great news!)

Chikage: What do I do now? Which plate do I put down first?

Meanwhile, out in the back.

Ono: Okay, it’s time for you to try to make your own cream, Eiji. I’ll just stand and watch.

Eiji: Uh, okay…

(Eiji: This is embarrassing.)

One week later, and everyone is ready to be put to the test. Tachibana is dressed in his Santa suit.

Tachibana: It’s Ferrari time! How do I look?

Ono: Like Jack Skellington when he dressed up as Santa in The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Tachibana: Pfft- just you wait!

Unfortunately, at the first house he delivers to, Tachibana’s get up makes the baby cry.

Mother: He must think you’re the Boogie Man.

Tachibana: What’s up with these gratuitous Nightmare Before Christmas references?

Elsewhere, Tachibana is met with ridicule and scepticism.

Old Man: You know, Santa is really meant to be a jolly fat man- what kid is going to believe in him after you’ve been?

Back at Antique, Eiji is finally having success with the white cream.

Ono: I know it’s hard to get it right at first, but once you relax you’ll find it comes out easily.

Eiji: I never knew it could be used in this way!

Meanwhile, Tachibana finally visits a house that likes his costume- if only because everyone there is drunk.

Man: Wow, it’s the new politically correct Santa- he’s no longer morbidly obese and in danger of dying from heart failure!

Now the time has come for Tachibana to decorate the cake, which for some reason looks like a lot of takoyaki piled high.

Man: Tell me, what are you doing here?

Tachibana: I’m making a caramel topping for the cake.

Man: Okay- you have five minutes to plate up!

Tachibana manages to coat the cake in caramel, creating a mini-Christmas tree effect (albeit an unattractive brown tree).

Masterchef challenge complete!

Back at Antique, the cakes have sold out.

Tachibana: Well done, Chikage- you might actually get through to the next round of HARD GAY Masterchef!

Chikage: Well, actually, Eiji did most of my work for me…I’m just not good at anything other than HARD GAY and calling out “Young Master!” periodically.

Tachibana goes out to the locker room to reminisce about his past.

Tachibana: You know, my kidnapper never asked for money- he either wanted to rape me or feed me cake. Either way, I’ve never been able to look at a strawberry since then without wanting to throw up.

Eiji: Well, cheer up, it’s Christmas.

Ono shows up.

Ono: I don’t know if this is a good time, but I’ve somehow had time to make some savoury dishes I think you should try! If we start selling them in the New Year, it will make this place less cloyingly sweet.

Tachibana samples them.

Tachibana: This is delicious! And I even feel strangely aroused!

Ono: Ah, that’ll be the ‘white sauce’.

To be continued…