The episode begins in the home of a female writer as she types up a story; for comedy’s sake, we shall pretend she is a food critic.
(Woman: The meal was absolutely awful. The potatoes were undercooked; I’ve cracked my teeth on softer rocks! And as for the dessert, well, to even call such a lacklustre and watery mixture a dessert is an insult to chefs everywhere.)
Her daughter comes in.
Daughter: Mum, I’m hungry.
Woman: Then go and eat something! Don’t bother me with such trivialities! You know where the fridge, supermarket and ATM machine are, don’t you?
Daughter: But Mum, I want to spend time with you! You never do anything with me anymore!
Woman: Shut up- there are restaurants to be reviewed, you know! If you need money, then go and become a prostitute or something- don’t come crying to me about it.
Back at Antique, Eiji has turned out a rather plain-looking cake.
Tachibana: This is far too dull! We want sexy, Michelin star type food!
Ono: Let’s at least taste it first.
Everyone takes a slice of cake.
Tachibana: Actually, this isn’t too bad!
Ono: We must make this one of our products immediately! Of course, we’ll have to level it up a bit first- you might have the raw potential, but you’re not ready to upstage me yet.
The girl from earlier enters.
Girl: Chi-chan!
Chikage: Deko-chan!
(Ono: A woman! And she’s already friends with Chikage!)
Deko: Can I stay at your place tonight?
(Ono: NOOOOO!!!!)
Tachibana: Hey Deko-chan, long time no see.
Tachibana begins teasing Deko.
(Ono: Not Tachibana as well!? What’s going on here?)
Ono: Let me get this straight- this girl’s just a relative, isn’t she? There’s nothing else going on, is there?
(Ono: My heart rate is rising- being this close to a woman can’t be good for me!)
There’s worse to come as Deko hugs Chikage.
Deko: Chi-chan, it’s awful! My mother hit me- I’m sure she hates me!
Chikage: Even though an outside observer may say that your mother is neglectful and unnecessarily cruel to you, I can assure you that it’s all your fault. You’re the one who needs to be strong in this situation- support your cold bitch of a mother, and everything will be fine.
Chikage thinks back to a night when he comforted Tachibana.
Tachibana: Chikage, don’t tell anyone about my secret HARD GAY leanings!
ChikageL I won’t tell, so stick it in without fear.
Back in the present, a bombshell is about to be dropped as Deko’s mother, Sakurako, arrives.
Sakurako: There you are, you stupid girl! Here I was thinking you’d gone out to be a prostitute and instead you’re just hanging around in some HARD GAY bakery!
Chikage: Leave her alone!
Sakurako: Why, are you ready to step up to the plate and be a father?
Eiji: Father?
Ono: FATHER!? Zetsubou shita! This world where Chikage has partaken in heterosexual relations has left me in despair!
Sakurako: Well, the life of an author and food critic is hard, and when I wanted a child I decided to have it with the first guy I met, who happened to be Chikage. I thought if I could marry his looks and my brains, I’d make the perfect child, but she doesn’t take after me at all! Plus she’s a typical anime girl, so she looks like a high schooler even though she isn’t even thirteen!
(Ono: This sounds like a story for the Jeremy Kyle show!)
Eiji: This is just getting more and more bizarre- who could have foreseen this plot development?
Sakurako: Oh, and by the way, I’m not a completely cold-hearted bitch- I’m actually secretly ill and thus a figure of pathos rather than hatred.
Tachibana: Yeah, yeah, they all say that- just get some exercise and you’ll get better.
Sakurako: Why exercise when I can smoke?
Sakurako lights up another cigarette.
Chikage: Forget all that- let’s all be friends and share a lovely slice of cake.
Deko eats some of the cake, which somehow mends all the family tensions.
Sakurako: All right, time to go home!
Deko: Yay, home!
Tachibana: Hey, you might want to think about buying Deko a bra- she needs some support.
Sakurako: Meh, who cares- I’ll just wait until she’s stopped growing and buy her something then.
Tachibana: If everyone thought like that, children would always be naked!
Deko: Hey, don’t bully my chain-smoking and uncaring mother!
After Sakurako and Deko go home, everyone else goes back inside to clear up.
Eiji: Chikage a father- who would have thought it?
Tachibana: Well, you know how helpful he is- Sakurako said she wanted a child, and he couldn’t help but help out.
Chikage: I have to admit, though, that STRAIGHT felt good.
(Ono: Aagh, the thought of STRAIGHT! It burns!)
Meanwhile, Deko and Sakurako go home.
Sakurako: You know, maybe I have been a bit neglectful- I guess I could make some cake for you.
Deko: Oh, that’s okay- if you teach me how to make it, I’ll be better off. I am already in the fourth grade, you know, even if I do about seven years older than I actually am.
Meanwhile, our leads go out to dinner, only to hear about a kidnapping case on the news.
(Tachibana: This situation echoes my troubled past! Could this be some kind of foreshadowing?)
To be continued…
Seriously, the situation this episode was so out of left/right/whatever field for me enough to not need a parody -_-“
Suggest checking out Ep 12 of Antique. You won’t even have to caption the screencaps – juse use the dialogue as is. 😉
“We can never be separated”
“The Young Master is okay now.”
“But the two of us being here together feels so terribly nostalgic now.”
Just use, even.
Hahaha, I’ll try to finish off the series this weekend.