The episode begins in the home of a female writer as she types up a story; for comedy’s sake, we shall pretend she is a food critic.
(Woman: The meal was absolutely awful. The potatoes were undercooked; I’ve cracked my teeth on softer rocks! And as for the dessert, well, to even call such a lacklustre and watery mixture a dessert is an insult to chefs everywhere.)
Her daughter comes in.
Daughter: Mum, I’m hungry.
Woman: Then go and eat something! Don’t bother me with such trivialities! You know where the fridge, supermarket and ATM machine are, don’t you?
Daughter: But Mum, I want to spend time with you! You never do anything with me anymore!
Woman: Shut up- there are restaurants to be reviewed, you know! If you need money, then go and become a prostitute or something- don’t come crying to me about it.
Back at Antique, Eiji has turned out a rather plain-looking cake.
Tachibana: This is far too dull! We want sexy, Michelin star type food!
Ono: Let’s at least taste it first.
Everyone takes a slice of cake.
Tachibana: Actually, this isn’t too bad!
Ono: We must make this one of our products immediately! Of course, we’ll have to level it up a bit first- you might have the raw potential, but you’re not ready to upstage me yet.
The girl from earlier enters.
(Ono: A woman! And she’s already friends with Chikage!)
Deko: Can I stay at your place tonight?
Tachibana: Hey Deko-chan, long time no see.
Tachibana begins teasing Deko.
(Ono: Not Tachibana as well!? What’s going on here?)
Ono: Let me get this straight- this girl’s just a relative, isn’t she? There’s nothing else going on, is there?
(Ono: My heart rate is rising- being this close to a woman can’t be good for me!)
There’s worse to come as Deko hugs Chikage.
Deko: Chi-chan, it’s awful! My mother hit me- I’m sure she hates me!
Chikage: Even though an outside observer may say that your mother is neglectful and unnecessarily cruel to you, I can assure you that it’s all your fault. You’re the one who needs to be strong in this situation- support your cold bitch of a mother, and everything will be fine.
Chikage thinks back to a night when he comforted Tachibana.
Tachibana: Chikage, don’t tell anyone about my secret HARD GAY leanings!
ChikageL I won’t tell, so stick it in without fear.
Back in the present, a bombshell is about to be dropped as Deko’s mother, Sakurako, arrives.
Sakurako: There you are, you stupid girl! Here I was thinking you’d gone out to be a prostitute and instead you’re just hanging around in some HARD GAY bakery!
Chikage: Leave her alone!
Sakurako: Why, are you ready to step up to the plate and be a father?
Ono: FATHER!? Zetsubou shita! This world where Chikage has partaken in heterosexual relations has left me in despair!
Sakurako: Well, the life of an author and food critic is hard, and when I wanted a child I decided to have it with the first guy I met, who happened to be Chikage. I thought if I could marry his looks and my brains, I’d make the perfect child, but she doesn’t take after me at all! Plus she’s a typical anime girl, so she looks like a high schooler even though she isn’t even thirteen!
(Ono: This sounds like a story for the Jeremy Kyle show!)
Eiji: This is just getting more and more bizarre- who could have foreseen this plot development?
Sakurako: Oh, and by the way, I’m not a completely cold-hearted bitch- I’m actually secretly ill and thus a figure of pathos rather than hatred.
Tachibana: Yeah, yeah, they all say that- just get some exercise and you’ll get better.
Sakurako: Why exercise when I can smoke?
Sakurako lights up another cigarette.
Chikage: Forget all that- let’s all be friends and share a lovely slice of cake.
Deko eats some of the cake, which somehow mends all the family tensions.
Sakurako: All right, time to go home!
Deko: Yay, home!
Tachibana: Hey, you might want to think about buying Deko a bra- she needs some support.
Sakurako: Meh, who cares- I’ll just wait until she’s stopped growing and buy her something then.
Tachibana: If everyone thought like that, children would always be naked!
Deko: Hey, don’t bully my chain-smoking and uncaring mother!
After Sakurako and Deko go home, everyone else goes back inside to clear up.
Eiji: Chikage a father- who would have thought it?
Tachibana: Well, you know how helpful he is- Sakurako said she wanted a child, and he couldn’t help but help out.
Chikage: I have to admit, though, that STRAIGHT felt good.
(Ono: Aagh, the thought of STRAIGHT! It burns!)
Meanwhile, Deko and Sakurako go home.
Sakurako: You know, maybe I have been a bit neglectful- I guess I could make some cake for you.
Deko: Oh, that’s okay- if you teach me how to make it, I’ll be better off. I am already in the fourth grade, you know, even if I do about seven years older than I actually am.
Meanwhile, our leads go out to dinner, only to hear about a kidnapping case on the news.
(Tachibana: This situation echoes my troubled past! Could this be some kind of foreshadowing?)
To be continued…