Antique Bakery parody episode 8

The episode begins in the home of a female writer as she types up a story; for comedy’s sake, we shall pretend she is a food critic.

(Woman: The meal was absolutely awful. The potatoes were undercooked; I’ve cracked my teeth on softer rocks! And as for the dessert, well, to even call such a lacklustre and watery mixture a dessert is an insult to chefs everywhere.)

Her daughter comes in.

Daughter: Mum, I’m hungry.

Woman: Then go and eat something! Don’t bother me with such trivialities! You know where the fridge, supermarket and ATM machine are, don’t you?

Daughter: But Mum, I want to spend time with you! You never do anything with me anymore!

Woman: Shut up- there are restaurants to be reviewed, you know! If you need money, then go and become a prostitute or something- don’t come crying to me about it.

Back at Antique, Eiji has turned out a rather plain-looking cake.

Tachibana: This is far too dull! We want sexy, Michelin star type food!

Ono: Let’s at least taste it first.

Everyone takes a slice of cake.

Tachibana: Actually, this isn’t too bad!

Ono: We must make this one of our products immediately! Of course, we’ll have to level it up a bit first- you might have the raw potential, but you’re not ready to upstage me yet.

The girl from earlier enters.

Girl: Chi-chan!

Chikage: Deko-chan!

(Ono: A woman! And she’s already friends with Chikage!)

Deko: Can I stay at your place tonight?

(Ono: NOOOOO!!!!)

Tachibana: Hey Deko-chan, long time no see.

Tachibana begins teasing Deko.

(Ono: Not Tachibana as well!? What’s going on here?)

Ono: Let me get this straight- this girl’s just a relative, isn’t she? There’s nothing else going on, is there?

(Ono: My heart rate is rising- being this close to a woman can’t be good for me!)

There’s worse to come as Deko hugs Chikage.

Deko: Chi-chan, it’s awful! My mother hit me- I’m sure she hates me!

Chikage: Even though an outside observer may say that your mother is neglectful and unnecessarily cruel to you, I can assure you that it’s all your fault. You’re the one who needs to be strong in this situation- support your cold bitch of a mother, and everything will be fine.

Chikage thinks back to a night when he comforted Tachibana.

Tachibana: Chikage, don’t tell anyone about my secret HARD GAY leanings!

ChikageL I won’t tell, so stick it in without fear.

Back in the present, a bombshell is about to be dropped as Deko’s mother, Sakurako, arrives.

Sakurako: There you are, you stupid girl! Here I was thinking you’d gone out to be a prostitute and instead you’re just hanging around in some HARD GAY bakery!

Chikage: Leave her alone!

Sakurako: Why, are you ready to step up to the plate and be a father?

Eiji: Father?

Ono: FATHER!? Zetsubou shita! This world where Chikage has partaken in heterosexual relations has left me in despair!

Sakurako: Well, the life of an author and food critic is hard, and when I wanted a child I decided to have it with the first guy I met, who happened to be Chikage. I thought if I could marry his looks and my brains, I’d make the perfect child, but she doesn’t take after me at all! Plus she’s a typical anime girl, so she looks like a high schooler even though she isn’t even thirteen!

(Ono: This sounds like a story for the Jeremy Kyle show!)

Eiji: This is just getting more and more bizarre- who could have foreseen this plot development?

Sakurako: Oh, and by the way, I’m not a completely cold-hearted bitch- I’m actually secretly ill and thus a figure of pathos rather than hatred.

Tachibana: Yeah, yeah, they all say that- just get some exercise and you’ll get better.

Sakurako: Why exercise when I can smoke?

Sakurako lights up another cigarette.

Chikage: Forget all that- let’s all be friends and share a lovely slice of cake.

Deko eats some of the cake, which somehow mends all the family tensions.

Sakurako: All right, time to go home!

Deko: Yay, home!

Tachibana: Hey, you might want to think about buying Deko a bra- she needs some support.

Sakurako: Meh, who cares- I’ll just wait until she’s stopped growing and buy her something then.

Tachibana: If everyone thought like that, children would always be naked!

Deko: Hey, don’t bully my chain-smoking and uncaring mother!

After Sakurako and Deko go home, everyone else goes back inside to clear up.

Eiji: Chikage a father- who would have thought it?

Tachibana: Well, you know how helpful he is- Sakurako said she wanted a child, and he couldn’t help but help out.

Chikage: I have to admit, though, that STRAIGHT felt good.

(Ono: Aagh, the thought of STRAIGHT! It burns!)

Meanwhile, Deko and Sakurako go home.

Sakurako: You know, maybe I have been a bit neglectful- I guess I could make some cake for you.

Deko: Oh, that’s okay- if you teach me how to make it, I’ll be better off. I am already in the fourth grade, you know, even if I do about seven years older than I actually am.

Meanwhile, our leads go out to dinner, only to hear about a kidnapping case on the news.

(Tachibana: This situation echoes my troubled past! Could this be some kind of foreshadowing?)

To be continued…

4 thoughts on “Antique Bakery parody episode 8

  1. Suggest checking out Ep 12 of Antique. You won’t even have to caption the screencaps – juse use the dialogue as is. 😉

    “We can never be separated”

    “The Young Master is okay now.”

    “But the two of us being here together feels so terribly nostalgic now.”

Comments are closed.