Antique Bakery parody episode 9

It’s a new day at Antique Bakery, and against all odds, Eiji’s fig cake is selling well.

Tachibana: Who would have thought such plain cake would sell this well? All those cooking shows about fine dining have lied to me!

Ono: Well, it’s just like my body- once people get a taste of it, they keep coming back for more.

Whilst Eiji makes more cakes, Tachibana and Ono discuss his future.

Tachibana: So, what do you think? Is he going to become a worthy patissier?

Ono: Well, um…

(Ono: I can’t risk my kitchen lover being fired! Quick, make something up!)

Ono:…er, yes- one day he’ll be even better than me in the bedroom, er, I mean kitchen.

Tachibana: What!? Well, if it’s true, don’t tell him- it’ll ruin the character dynamics even more than the revelation that Chikage has a daughter!

Ono: Okay, but is it okay if we start him on proper training? Long hours in the kitchen, getting all hot and sweaty, ripping off our whites to reveal the glistening muscles beneath- I can’t wait!

As part of his training, Eiji is told that he has to go to evening classes to learn French.

Eiji: French? But what does that have to do with baking cakes?

Ono: French is the language of love- I like my lovers to whisper sweet nothings in it when we spend the night together. Besides, it will help you out when you go to France to learn HARD GAY from the masters.

Eiji begins taking classes, but he doesn’t seem to be learning anything.

Chikage: You can tell how much he hates studying just by looking at him from behind.

Ono: Really? I study his behind for different reasons.

Tachibana begins to despair of the money he is spending.

Tachibana: This is pointless! I’m spending all this money and we haven’t even had a training montage yet!

Ono: Don’t worry- if these French classes can’t turn Eiji HARD GAY, nothing can!

After seeing another kidnapping case on the news, Tachibana goes out to buy beer and angst. He happens to see Eiji confronting a random thug.

Thug: Hey, I’ll beat up random old guys if I like!

Eiji: Enough with your attitude- don’t you know I’m a main character?

Thug: What?

The thug runs away.

The next day, Eiji is at class when someone comes in and orders an artery-hardening twenty choux pastries. Chikage rushes into the kitchen to report.

Chikage: Emergency, Ono- we’re almost out of choux pastry!

Ono: Assemble the Baking Rangers at once! Oh, wait, Eiji isn’t here. Well, I’m busy making Michelin-starred desserts, so it will have to wait.

Tachibana comes in.

Tachibana: Ono, this isn’t another of those Celebrity Masterchef challenges- we have customers!

Ono: If you want cakes made, do it yourself! No, actually, that’s not a bad idea…

Before he knows it, Tachibana is making choux pastry.

Tachibana: If I’d realised I could do this myself, I never would have hired a chef.

Eiji gets back and has a crisis of confidence after seeing Tachibana cook with ease. The next day, he tries to make himself indispensable by cooking dozens of cakes, but manages to burn his hand.

Eiji: Aagh- my Hyper Self Pleasure hand!

Ono: Here, let me give you Pleasure for today.

Eiji: No, I’ll do it myself!

Eiji spends the day baking before going to French class. On his way home, he is confronted by the thug and his friends.

Thug: Let’s see how main character power fares against this!

Eiji: You’re nothing to me! Low budget animation static attacks!

Eiji dispatches the thugs just as Ono turns up. They both go to a church.

Ono: You know, if you really don’t like learning French, we can just have HARD GAY in Japanese.

Eiji: No- I really do want to please you! It’s just- well, if you’re sending me to France, does that mean you don’t need me anymore?

Ono: Of course not!

Eiji: But- I have insecurity issues! I want to be needed, wanted, loved! I want to be the only man you look at!

Ono: Eiji, don’t be silly, no one man can satisfy my appetites- but that being said, you are a very talented lover, my precious Eiji. Just promise me you won’t get into fights and damage your beautiful face!

Eiji: Anything, Master!

To be continued…

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