Some jewel merchants offer their wares to Russian Empress Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: These jewels bore me. I have no intention of purchasing goods from characters as generic as you.
In a blatant stroke of irony, d’Eon’s party are attempting to enter the country by posing as jewellers. They are stopped by a border guard.
Guard: I’m afraid I need to have a look at your wares.
Durand: I’d like to avoid an inspection if possible.
Durand shares a knowing look with Teillagory.
(Durand: The last thing we need is for him to find evidence of our HARD GAY activities.)
Guard: Hmm, well I guess I don’t want to ruin the plot. Go on ahead.
The Four Musketeers leave the carriage driver and his brother behind and continue on ahead.
Robin: So, we’re disguising ourselves as jewel merchants…but we don’t actually have any jewels.
Durand: Ah yes, but with our stunning good looks, who needs jewels?
A few establishing shots of St Petersburg are seen.
Narrator: Russia is an evil place, filled with evil Russians who are not at all like upstanding French men. Thus, St Petersburg is an evil city, built on the corpses of the hapless generics who hauled its depressing grey stones into place.
In the carriage, Durand talks to d’Eon.
Durand: We must be careful, for all Russians are evil- thus it is quite possible that Empress is evil too.
Elsewhere, Voronzoff, Giuseppe and Lorenza talk to an evil old man.
Giuseppe: Ah yes, when it comes to minor agents of evil, you really can’t go wrong with Lorenza and I.
Man: I don’t recall asking for your assistance.
Robespierre: If the plot demands that these two be used, we should just go along with it.
Man: Listen, Robespierre, now that you are in Russia, you defer to me in all things, be it in public or in the bedroom.
(Robespierre: How dare you speak to me like that? I am in the OP, and have a much better design than you!)
Robespierre, Giuseppe and Lorenza leave.
Giuseppe: Ah yes, being a minor agent of evil here should turn out fine- just as long as Voronzoff doesn’t try to upstage us.
Meanwhile, a bruised and frightened Catherine hides in the bath whilst her drunken husband Peter tries to gain entry.
Peter: Catherine! Let me in so that I can beat you up some more!
At the Russian court, d’Eon’s party attempt to gain access to Elizabeth by claiming to possess a large ‘diamond’.
Elizabeth: A large ‘diamond’, you say? I would like to see it at tonight’s ball. If its size pleases me, I shall buy it then and there.
Elsewhere, Peter is once again beating Catherine.
Peter: Gwakakaka, I am evil Russian and soon I shall kill Elizabeth and ascend to the throne! But if you do not do as I say, I will divorce you, and you will no longer be able to enjoy these daily beatings!
Meanwhile, the Four Musketeers discuss the upcoming ball.
Robin: This isn’t just any ball- it’s a special cross-dressing one.
Durand: In other words, if we want to go, we must dress as women.
D’Eon: This is perfect! We must go!
Teillagory: Hmm, I must admit that I was into that kind of thing when I was younger, but these days I just can’t find any flattering dresses.
Durand: If Teillagory isn’t going, then I’ll sit it out as well. Robin, you should go with d’Eon.
(Durand: There’s no point in dressing up as a woman if your lover isn’t there to see it.)
D’Eon opens a trunk that just happens to contain Lia’s clothes.
D’Eon: You see, I told you this dress wasn’t a waste of space. And since everyone loves Lia, I’ll gain extra points for dressing up as her.
Robin and d’Eon get dressed for the ball.
Robin: I’m not really good with makeup.
D’Eon: Robin, you aren’t good with anything. Just do the best you can.
Teillagory waits outside.
Teillagory: I really can’t wait to see d’Eon in a dress, but I’d walk through fire if it meant I could see his HARD GAY ‘assets’.
D’Eon and Robin emerge, fully dressed.
(Robin: This is embarrassing, but also surprisingly comfortable.)
D’Eon and Robin head to the ball, whilst Teillagory and Durand stay behind.
Teillagory: Hmm, perhaps we should have gone instead. I’d like to see you in a dress some time, Durand.
Durand: I don’t think so.
(Durand: I only did that kind of thing for Lia.)
D’Eon and Robin arrive at the ball and head over to meet Elizabeth. Voronzoff, Robespierre and Old Man watch from the gallery, as befits agents of evil.
(Elizabeth: Lia…can it be that my old HARD YURI partner has arisen from the dead?)
Outside, Durand and Teillagory are threatened by men with guns.
(Durand: How dare they presume to point such short ‘weapons’ at me- I prefer a nice long ‘sword’!)
Back inside, Elizabeth stares at d’Eon.
Elizabeth: You do know that this is a masquerade ball, I take it? It was very lazy of a woman like you not to even try to dress as a man.
Robin: Admittedly he can become a woman at will, but d’Eon is actually a man.
(Elizabeth: So it isn’t Lia after all; how disappointing.)
D’Eon: I am the younger brother of Lia de Beaumont.
Elizabeth: You can’t just go around claiming to be the brother of the great Lia de Beaumont! At least show me some proof.
Elizabeth: I would expect the brother of Lia de Beaumont to be skilled with a ‘sword’. Perhaps you could demonstrate your abilities against some of my generics.
The generics prove to be no match for d’Eon’s ‘blade work’.
Meanwhile, Durand and Teillagory are taken to see a veiled Catherine.
Catherine: I’m sorry to treat you so roughly, but you looked like the kind of men who liked that sort of thing.
Durand: You want rough? We’ll show you rough!
Durand and Teillagory take down the generics surrounding them.
Durand: What do you want from us?
Catherine: I am just here for some exposition. You are in Russia now, and Russia is filled with evil people doing evil things. Be careful.
Durand: She had us threatened with guns just to tell us that?
Meanwhile, indoors, d’Eon wins against his final opponent.
Elizabeth: I have seen enough ‘sword’ work; now show me your large ‘diamond’.
D’Eon opens the jewellery box, which is empty.
Elizabeth: Only a main character would have the courage to show the Empress of Russia and empty box. You must truly be Lia’s brother.
Robin is standing too far away to hear their conversation.
(Robin: How dare d’Eon leave me out? I’m a main character too!)
Elizabeth: It was Lia’s idea to start this cross-dressing masquerade. She said it was the only way for the sisters of HARD YURI to free themselves from the chains of men.
To be continued…