Chevalier Alternative 20 Part I

Who can forget the good old days, when HARD GAY was all a man needed? Unfortunately, stray influences such as BI and women began to creep in, and before they knew it, everything had changed. For the remaining three Musketeers, the loss of Durand has cast a pall over their HARD GAY, so much so that they too may start experimenting with these strange new worlds. Who will hold firm to the old ways, and who will admit that they were attracted to women all along?

Durand becomes the latest Jyu Oh to be frozen in cold storage.

Durand’s arm is replaced by a burning cigarette stub as part of a new drive to illustrate the dangers of smoking.

“Durand, this is the voice of the director, er, I mean God, speaking. The time has come for you to depart the series.”

“With Durand gone, perhaps my popularity rating can rise.”

Durand is laid to rest whilst clutching his ‘sword’, as all good HARD GAY men should be.

Teillagory rests his hands on the old antique whilst thinking of the good old days.

Robin realises that the loss of a main character may lead to him getting a more prominent role in the show.

“You mean I won’t be a useless sidekick anymore?”

“You don’t know how long I’ve waited for this!”

His happiness is short-lived when he realises that this means he will have more lines to remember.

“I remember when we used to hold each other’s ‘swords’…ah, good times, good times…”

“Right up until the last, you were a man who knew how to give good ‘sword’.”

“Well, that’s enough of that…shall we get on with the plot?”

All the contestants are gathered together for the final of The Versailles Factor.

“After combining the judges’ scores and the public votes…”

“…I can now announce the winner of The Versailles Factor!”

“I should have won this stupid competition!”

Pompadour thinks back to the meeting she had with her voice coach right before being voted off.

“My Lady, perhaps you ought to reconsider- I don’t think Dancing Queen is the song for you.”

“Shut up! I’ll sing what I like!”

“Very well, but don’t blame me when you get voted off.”

“Everything that went wrong was clearly his fault.”

“Making locks is actually quite boring, but it’s the character trait that’s most associated with me, so what can I do?”

Broglie watches with interest as Marie boots up her new laptop.

“Tell me, just how should I beat Minesweeper on Expert mode?”

“Perhaps this skull controller will help- I just hope it’s USB compatible.”

Having passed the first HARD GAY interview, Wood is called back for a follow-up.

“How can he possibly expect to find a man that big?”

“So anyway, I was wondering if you could tell me a little more about those methods you mentioned in your portfolio?”

“Well, you see, you start off in this position…”


“Yes, and then you hold it like this…”

“I could show you now, if you’d like.”

“Er, I’m a bit sma-,I mean tired, to try something like that…but I know a man who’d be up for it.”

“Ah, welcome.”

“Guercy, we have a HARD GAY procedure that we would like you to try out.”

“Well, for a man of my size, it shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Yes, we’ve heard all about your ‘Zhuge Liang’…I hope you don’t mind if we check your secret photo album for proof.”

Guercy starts panicking as he realises his secret is about to be discovered.

“Okay, okay, I admit it…I may have exaggerated about my Liang a little.”

Having been revealed to be a small man, Guercy decides to get his own back by reminding Sandwich that he is supposed to be performing in Strictly Come Dancing later that evening.

“What? It was tonight?”

“But I’ve completely forgotten the steps of my cha cha cha!”

Having discovered that there’s always someone worse off cheers Guercy up no end.

Sandwich stops off at the palace to give the King some HARD GAY.

“Okay, Sandwich, you know the drill…I drop my trousers and you open your mouth.”

“Yes sir!”

“Are you ready? I’m coming now.”

“My god, I can’t fit that in my mouth!”

“That was a most disappointing HARD GAY session. Don’t come here again.”

“Wait, I can do better next time!”

“Oh great- how am I going to get to Television Centre in time for the show now?”

Having failed to gain any HARD GAY or HARD YURI, George and Charlotte are forced to give up and explore the realms of STRAIGHT.

Well, that’s the end of Durand.

“Durand was a man who knew how to handle a ‘sword’.”

“Forget Durand, let’s go and have HARD GAY.”

“Uh, excuse me, but there’s something I’d like to say.”

“What is it, Robin? Do you want to be on top this time?”


“I like girls.”

“What was that? I couldn’t quite catch what you said.”

“I…I like girls!”

“I’m sorry, but I’m giving up HARD GAY!”

“You’re what?”

“I’m sorry, but it’s not like my pistol can even keep up with your swords.”

“Robin, you don’t have to give it up, you can become BI like me…Robin, wait!”

“I hope this is just a phase he’s going through.”

“I’ll get you into bed again, Robin, mark my words!”

“What’s that- you want HARD GAY?”

“Sure- I like the look of you, so I’ll do it!”

“I’ve hired myself a partner for tonight.”

“Farewell, Lia; I’m sorry we were unable to have HARD YURI.”

(“Should I tell her I’m a man most of the time?”)

“Uh, I have something to tell you…”

“You’re usually a man, right?”

“You already knew?”

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2 Responses to Chevalier Alternative 20 Part I

  1. Anga says:

    Hmm, straight… Isn’t that bit too controversial to even think about?

    (These are so hilarious, Chevalier along with Busou Renkin probably give best material for parody)

  2. Karura says:

    Straight is a bit controversial, I’ll admit, but the youth of today just won’t be satisfied with good old fashioned HARD GAY…

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