Tuesday Rumble: April 10th

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Spoiler Alert: Death Note’s biggest twists shall be revealed.

It’s often said that cats and laptops don’t mix*, and here’s the reason why. Last year, my cat managed to get on top of the bookshelf and knock a heavy bronze bookend down onto my laptop, scratching the screen and denting the keyboard, whilst a few weeks ago, my aunt’s cat walked across the keyboard and managed to rip off three keys. Luckily the long-term damage from these incidents is less than you might think, but my poor J key may never be the same again- not a good key to act up when it’s also your first initial.

*may not actually be said often, or indeed at all.

A HARD GAY guide to Koutetsu Sangokushi

Need to know who’s who (and more importantly, who’s sleeping with who) in Koutetsu Sangokushi? Luckily for you, I have ‘translated’ the character guide on the Japanese site to provide you with all the juiciest gossip from the series- and if you find the embedded image too small to read, just click on it for a full size version.

Extracts from the BOOK of HARD GAY: Who to sleep with in Chevalier World

  • D’Eon: A solid HARD GAY experience, but whilst his BI tendencies will excite the progressive factions, those who crave traditional HARD GAY may not be so pleased. Favours Sword.
  • Robin: A Pistol user, somewhat inexperienced and confused about his sexuality. He can be powerful in the bedroom on occasion, but often lacks control and finesse. He works better as a backup in a group session than in a one-on-one situation, although he has recently been working on his Dagger.
  • Durand: An accomplished lover who favours Sword in both HARD GAY and BI, Durand knows a variety of techniques and will even administer S&M if desired. Refuses to play the submissive role.
  • Teillagory: His Sword may be a bit of an old antique these days, but what he lacks in stamina, Teillagory more than makes up for in experience and refined technique. Still able to handle many lovers even at his age (sometimes even whilst wearing a blindfold), Teillagory is a dependable choice for the learner.
  • Robespierre: The undisputed master of both BI and HARD GAY, Robespierre has evolved to the point where he doesn’t even need the Sword in order to generate Pleasure. Lesser lovers run the risk of dying from his intense HARD GAY, but for those who can withstand it, he is the ultimate experience.
  • Louis XV: Since he is getting on in years, Louis’ HARD GAY is not what it used to be, but when the King orders you into his bedroom, you can hardly refuse. Not a bad experience, just not an overwhelmingly good one either.
  • The Dauphin: Although rather young and inexperienced to pique the interests of most, Auguste is a paid up member of the H.O.M.O. club. If you fancy teaching him the ins and outs of HARD GAY, or just want a submissive lover, he’s available for your pleasure.
  • Broglie: Although he will readily offer Cane to anyone who asks, Broglie is to be avoided, even by the most desperate of men. Rumoured to suffer from several nasty STDs, a night with Broglie could cost you your health- or even your life.
  • Giuseppe: He doesn’t really favour any give sort of HARD GAY, and is certainly nothing special on his own, but if you want a group session, he’ll make for a solid backup. Sleeping with him may also help you get closer to Robespierre.
  • Voronzoff: Adept with a Sword and far more durable than you might expect, Voronzoff will take any amount of punishment in the bedroom with little complaint, but may well run away afterwards and prove hard to locate. Some say he still harbours dreams of STRAIGHT, but don’t bring that up if you wish to engage his services.
  • George III: As King of England, his HARD GAY technique is polished and without fault. As with Louis, if he asks you to the bedroom, you’d better not refuse.
  • Dashwood: Thanks to his age, he is an experienced master of intense Cane, and he can even offer a group session together with his underlings. Unfortunately, he puts so much energy into it that you may find he has physically aged after the session.
  • Wood: Rather excitable in the bedroom, but otherwise pedestrian. He seems to prefer watching HARD GAY as opposed to actually taking part in it, but if you get a thrill out of that sort of thing, invite him along.
  • Whitehead: Although he usually refuses to service anyone other than Dashwood, he can be persuaded to sample other lovers from time to time. He is silently efficient in bed, performing his duties without ever uttering a word.
  • Sandwich: A Sword user who usually likes to bring generics along for a group session, Sandwich thinks a lot of his skills, but you may well find that he isn’t all he is cracked up to be. Nonetheless, he is able to take a lot of punishment without suffering any long-term ill effects.
  • Orleans: A Cane user who also likes being given Sword, Orleans is a supporter of traditional HARD GAY, and will inflict S&M on anyone who professes to prefer BI. When he is dominant, he will not hesitate to be rough, but he will whimper and beg for mercy when playing the submissive.
  • Peter: A bully, Peter is brutal towards anyone with a Liang smaller than his, but can easily be beaten into submission by a firm lover. He has a mortal fear of bondage games, and will do anything to avoid them.
  • Bestuzhev: A middle-aged lover of dubious skill, he is extremely misogynistic and xenophobic, and so will only climb into bed with sturdy Russian men.

La Corda d’Oro 10


Tsuchiura reveals his secret BI inclinations.


“If he does, I must pursue HARD GAY with him.”


“His mother is the one who turns me on!”


“You said we would have HARD GAY!”


“Okay, okay…maybe later.”


“What’s HARD GAY?”


“I’ll tell you another time.”


“He’s messing up my HARD GAY schedule!”


“His Liang is so Zhuge that he never misses an opportunity to show it off.”


“Were you having HARD GAY with someone else?”

Short parody: This Ugly Yet Beautiful World part I

Takeru finds a girl-Hikari- in the forest.

Takeru: Wow, this is my ideal girl- and she’s naked and waiting for me! It’s like I’m the main character of an anime or something.

Monsters start randomly attacking.

(Monster: Gwakaka, I am an unused design from Eva! Fear my pointlessness!)

Takeru: Wow, I can suddenly turn into a monster for no reason! Go, Destined Powers!

Takeru defeats the monster and takes Hikari home. He tells his friends all about what happened.

Takeru: So anyway, I found this girl lying naked in the forest, but then a monster randomly attacked and I transformed and fought it.

Friend 1: Sounds plausible to me.

Friend 2: Yep, nothing outlandish there.

To be continued…or not, depending on my level of inspiration after watching episodes 6-12.

This Week in Anime


Apples are spotted in Fafner.


One unlucky candidate gets peeled.


I’m not sure what these are meant to be.


Peaches repel evil, in case you didn’t know.


Soutetsu is confident that he need not fear satsumas, although full oranges are another matter.

HARD GAY corner: Death Note
Due to his lack of HARD GAY partner, Light Yagami always felt bored at school, so much so that he occupied himself by killing off STRAIGHT people with his Death Note. In time, however, Light drew the attention of the great detective L, and the pair began a HARD GAY relationship after L spent time stalking Light and watching him on camera. Nonetheless, the good times couldn’t last, and even as Light was persuaded to try BI by the persistent Misa, L clung stubbornly to the old ways of HARD GAY, even trying to tempt both Light and Misa to his side with a confinement bondage session. Unfortunately, even when Light seemed to finally have come around to preferring L’s techniques, he reverted to BI in the middle of a session, killing an unprepared L with the intensity of his new passion.

Years later, and the arrogant Light now believes that Hyper Self Pleasure is superior to anything a mere partner could offer him. HARD GAY supporter Near attempts to persuade him otherwise, but his efforts seem fruitless- until he manages an explosive burst of HARD GAY with partner Mello that surpasses any Pleasure Light has ever experienced. Although Mello dies in the process, Light becomes so obsessed with topping that Pleasure experience that he even asks shinigami Ryuk for HARD GAY, only to die when he cannot take the pace.

OST Spotlight: Xenogears
Yasunori Mitsuda lends his not-inconsiderable skills to another worthy soundtrack, and whilst this one may not have the impact of Chrono Cross and Xenosaga, it somehow encapsulates everything you want and expect from an RPG soundtrack. There are energetic battle tracks, gentle village themes, and hints of the best styles used in other games- all together, an interesting package for game music and Mitsuda fans.

Notable tracks: Bonds of Sea and Fire, Emotions, Forest of the Black Moon, Fuse+, Leftovers of the Dreams of the Stars, Invasion, The Blue Traveller, Omen, Awakening.

Licensing Reactions

  • Jigoku Shoujo (Funimation): Ah yes, Jigoku Shoujo, the series about many complex issues such as revenge, revenge…and even a spot of revenge. Whilst the original concept seemed promise, Jigoku lost everything in the execution and became a boring rehash of the same thing week after week. I wouldn’t even watch it all for free, so there’s no chance of my buying it on DVD.
  • Zegapain (Bandai): There is a very good reason why ‘pain’ is in the title of this anime, and that is because it is a painful mecha series that adds nothing to the genre. Not something I intend to ever approach again.

I decided this week’s mini-editorial needed its own post, so the feature will return next week.

Harem of the Week: Tenchi Masaki- Tenchi Muyo!
One of the original kings of harem, Tenchi was a seemingly unremarkable high school student, but nonetheless beautiful alien women were the order of the day at his house.

Harem

Ryoko: The seductive, rowdy and forward space pirate who wants Tenchi for her own. A prime contender for his love in every series.

Ayeka: The high class alien princess who hides her aggressive and single-minded attitude behind a façade of sweet innocence. The second chief rival for Tenchi’s love.

Washu: The eccentric yet undoubtedly brilliant scientist who lives in a lab in the broom cupboard. In the OVA she asks Tenchi to father her children and even collects sperm samples.

Sasami: The young looking (if not chronologically) princess and loli of the group. As well as being the sweet, responsible and considerate one, she is good at cooking and general housework, and shares a quiet relationship with Tenchi.

Mihoshi: The ditzy galaxy police officer, she always seems to end up in Tenchi’s arms in the OVA, even though she seems more devoted to Kiyone in the TV series.

Kiyone: Mihoshi’s long-suffering partner, the sensible one who seems to have quiet feelings for Tenchi.

Noike: Former galaxy police officer and adopted daughter of Lady Seto, pretends to be Tenchi’s fiancée for plot reasons but later seems to develop actual feelings for him. Surprisingly efficient and good around the house.

Mayuka: Tenchi’s ‘daughter’, artificially created from the DNA of Tenchi and the demon Yuzuha in the second movie. Programmed to have unnaturally strong feelings for Tenchi.

Haruna: A former lover of Yosho’s in the third movie, ensnares Tenchi in a virtual world where she is his lover.

Rivals

Hotsuma: Briefly becomes Ryoko’s lover in the second TV series.

Seiryo Tennan: Ayeka’s betrothed in the OVA, loses face after being defeated by Tenchi in a duel.

Misao: Mihoshi’s brother- tries to rescue his sister from Tenchi’s clutches after mistakenly believing she is being held hostage in his harem.

Fashion police: Tsume

Even if we ignore the odd body proportions in this production art, Tsume still has some issues to answer for in the fashion department. In his attempt to be the ‘Hard Man’ of the series, he seems to have misplaced some fabric, lead to unsightly exposire of waist, shoulders and chest. His only redeeming quality is that this is not his true appearance.

Fashion sense: C+

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: bouncing breasts, PORN TOUBE, you toube, hack audition

Mai Hime Thong: Get your Mai-HiME themed thongs here! Shizuru and Natsuki versions available!

gay dragonball z: Soon to become an old favourite.

nimya meaning name: it does?

hair dye anime episode: Was that the one that aired after the Summer Days episode?

. hack haseo loves: His grunty.

“tsubasa chronicle episode 53”: It doesn’t exist, thank god.

Breeding busou renkin doujinshi: This scares me- breeding what?

the first time humans went on the moon w: Join me soon for my new history of space exploration features.

yuri bondage: Hitohira could be heading that way.

anime flame archaeologist: There’s a Flame Alchemist.

delivering eggs in harvest moon: Pick them up, and give them to people.

Le Chevalier D’Eon bi: I can see you have learned the ways of Chevalier.