Tuesday Rumble: May 29th

It’s Tuesday, and that means it’s time to get ready to rumble!

Further Extracts from the Book of HARD GAY: Who to sleep with in Iroha world

• Akidzuki: a master of the Sword, Akidzuki is a staunch supporter of classic HARD GAY, and refuses to contemplate variations. Nonetheless, he offers the solid experience expected of a main character.
• Soutetsu: one of the pioneers of BI, Soutetsu is highly skilled, but his continual drive for new techniques may put off those who don’t like to get experimental in the bedroom.
• Shiranui: another supporter of BI, Shiranui seems to be more inclined towards women these days, but those who can offer him a good experience will surely gain his attention.
• Zagashira: an older man, and quite a pedestrian partner.
• Kanna: a master of Gun, Kanna’s skill is near unsurpassed in the realms of HARD GAY, but later in the series he is tempted to the BI side despite a bad experience with women earlier in life.
• Nakaiya: a staunch follower of the Gwakaka school of villainy, Nakaiya prefers his passion to be red hot and burning. Don’t worry about giving him a fatal dose of Pleasure- he’ll be fine by the next morning.
• Chess Piece Team: although they do contain one woman, the males of the team offer an explosive BI experience.
• Parkes: with his knowledge of English HARD GAY techniques, Parkes may not be the most attractive of partners, but he has unique skills that the Japanese partners cannot offer.
• Glover: another master of foreign HARD GAY, Glover usually prefers to save himself, but can be convinced to take action if Gun is involved.
• Enomoto: with the aphrodisiac power of the Lord’s Head, Enomoto can seduce entire armies of men in a single session, but of late he has been distracted by both BI and the idea of creating a republic with those who have mere Ezos. If you feel too small for other partners, choose him.
• Saiga: a sniper with expert knowledge of Gun. He is painstakingly meticulous in the bedroom.
• Hijikata: another supporter of pure HARD GAY, Hijikata offers a solid experience.
• Tetsunosuke: although he does not have the same prominence here as in Peacemaker, Tetsunosuke has already gained a good grasp of Sword even at his young age. Hardly a first choice partner, but good if no other options are available.
• Kakashi: a typical strong-man, intense the bedroom but rarely original or exciting.
• Katsu: ever since the death of Ryouma, Katsu seems disillusioned towards HARD GAY, with only the most skilled of partners able to catch his eye and persuade him to take them to his bed.
• Ryouma: although he is already dead by the time the series begins, Ryouma is worthy of note as a skilled man of HARD GAY who set many men on the path of true HARD GAY. He seemed disinterested in BI, yet tolerant of those who practised it.
• Okita: a sickly man, one should take care with Okita, lest he die in the throes of intense passion.
• Shoten: an old man, Shoten claims his Liang is barely functional, and is only up for the gentlest of HARD GAY sessions.
• Hario: a rough and unrefined partner in the bedroom, albeit a powerful one. Best for those who prefer intensity over finesse.
• Shinza: Shoten’s assistant, Shinza offers an extremely powerful form of HARD GAY, although Shoten will usually want to watch,

SaiMonoWarriors

Remember UtaWarriors? After playing it, the desire to turn many other series into scrolling battlers could not be denied, and the first to receive this treatment is SaiMono. SMWarriors is only in the early stages of development now, but here a few details.

Playable characters: Shuurei (broom), Ryuuki (sword), Seiran (sword), Shuuei (large sword), Kouyuu (short sword), Ryuuren (flute), Ensei (staff), Eigetsu (blunted mace, powers up into Yougetsu).

Levels: Defend the capital from generic soldiers; Foil Official Sai; Race to Sa Province; Attack on Sa palace.

Eventually more characters and individual story modes will be added.

Kono Mini Pick ‘N’ Mix Part 2

STRAIGHT holds no mysteries for Ryou.

“It’s her first night here, so let’s start out with HARD YURI.”

“Have you already had INCEST STRAIGHT with him?”

“It’s only natural when you’re two siblings living alone without parents!”

“It happens all the time in anime!”

“Don’t touch me there!”

“Did you have to be so rough?”

“It’s the only way I could get myself aroused.”

“She’ll get naked at the drop of a hat!”

This needs no caption.

A group session proves to be successful.

Random Thoughts: Griffith

This week we manage to catch Griffith/Femto of Berserk fame, in order to put a few questions to him! First up, Griffith, what are the advantages of being one of the Godhand?

Godhand is quite a literal title, you know- it means I have the Hands of the God when it comes to Hyper Self Pleasure. Even though it meant giving up my good looks and regular partners in order to achieve this state, let me assure you that it’s worth it- and the Liangs of the male Godhand are indeed extremely Zhuge.

We saw both you and Guts have HARD GAY at various points in the series, but did the two of you ever do the deed together?

Of course we did- why do you think I was so upset when he left the Band of the Hawk? So upset, in fact that I had to turn to STRAIGHT.

How do feel about the general ugliness and retro horror feel of your world?

Well, in my human form I was good looking enough to make up for all of that.

And finally, what’s the secret to lustrous and shiny hair?

Many people rely on shampoo, but I just like a good hose down with freezing cold water in the middle of a river or practise yard. You can’t beat the cooling effects of a bucketful of icy water, especially if you have a lusty young man to scrub your back.

This Week in Anime

Pears hold secret conference.

Oranges prepare to overpower limes and pineapples, but a potato rescue force is not far behind.

Raspberries gather in an abandoned orange outpost.

Fat cat raises next generation of obese felines.

Apple sacrifices itself to save its fellows from being eaten.

Monthly Awards

Anime of the month goes to the unexpectedly worthy Windy Tales, a series that belongs with the highest calibre of slice-of-life.

Manga of the month is shared between the short yet worthy Otogi Zoshi manga, and the much longer but good for entirely different reasons Berserk, which is more enjoyable than its MANLY retro gore aesthetic would seem to indicate.

Cat-drenched series of the month also goes to Windy Tales, a series where hundreds of cats can fly in the sky at any one time.

Highest Body Count of the month is shared between Berserk and Darker than Black (remember, generics don’t count as one body each).

Mid-Season Awards

The “I’m still yawning” Prize for Continuing Boredom rests with El Cazador de la Bruja, which has grown steadily worse over the last three weeks.

The On the Fence Award for a Series that I want to like but am slowly growing disillusioned with is shared between Bokurano (on hiatus) and Claymore (still watching).

The 1337est of the 1337 Award for Continuing Excellence is once again shared between SaiMono season II, Emma season II and Darker than Black.

Special Prize for Only Winter Series Still Being Watched goes to Nodame Cantabile, although technically Deltora Quest is only on hiatus…a long hiatus.

The Manly Men Award for Zhugest Liangs goes to Moonlight Mile, which I have been told is overflowing with MANLINESS.

The Pegasus Award for Raising Awareness of HORSE goes to Romeo X Juliet.

The “I Want to Live There” Award for Best Setting is shared between Romeo X Juliet and Seirei no Moribito.

The Dark and Gritty Award for Most Disappointing Series goes to the “so poor it’s not even laughably bad” SKULLMAN.

HARD GAY corner: Samurai 7

When the STRAIGHT Emperor starts gathering women and bandits infest the lands, the people of Kanna Village know that only HARD GAY samurai with swords can save them- to that end, water priestess Kirara is sent out with her gaydar to track down worthy samurai and bring them back. The final line up consists of Kanbe, a man skilled with Sword but unable to keep a lover for long; Gorobe, skilled in long range HARD GAY; Heihachi, practised in mechanical devices; Kikuchiyo, a mechanical samurai converted to increased his Pleasuring intensity; Shichroji, a master of Spear; Kyuzo, a cool and calm Sword master and Katsushiro, who learns the ways of HARD GAY as the series progresses. Over the course of 26 episodes, those whose HARD GAY is too weak to withstand the forces of STRAIGHT are weeded out, but those who refine their HARD GAY defeat the evil STRAIGHT, enabling the peasants to express any preference they wish.

OST spotlight: Noir OST2

The first Noir OST was always going to be a hard act to follow, and unfortunately, although it is solid enough, this CD just can’t live up to its predecessor. The range of tracks is geared towards quieter and scene setting themes that capture the flavours of a range of different countries across Europe and Asia, and whilst it can all get a little too slow and laboured at times, it is worth the price of admission just for the eerily haunting strains of “Salva Nos II”, an impressive reworking of the series’ “action theme” into something very different but equally worthy. Equally deserving of note is the fact that Yuki Kajiura proves with her Colosseum theme that bagpipes can actually be used in a worthwhile fashion

Notable tracks: Secret Game, Salva Nos II, Maze, Killing

Mini-editorial: Should anime fans feel compelled to support their local market?

In the UK, it is easy enough to import DVDs and manga from America (or, for those with the extra cash, Japan), but there are equally those who believe that it shouldn’t be done- that if we want our fledgling anime and manga market to flourish, we must invest in it instead. This is of course, a valid point, but for those of us who must carefully plan how to spend our disposable income in order to get the best value for money, the US market is that much more attractive- after all, an £11 good quality DVD is more appealing than a £15 inferior quality one released several months later. Of course, the quality cannot increase without an influx of money, but is it our duty as consumers to feel constrained by the bigger picture? Shouldn’t it be up to the companies themselves to make their product the best on the market (or less encouragingly, bully the alternatives out of business)? Or ultimately, does it matter if a small cadre of hardcore fans choose to import, when the bulk of more casual anime buyers will not know or care how to do so?

To be perfectly honest, I may live in England, but I actually know less about UK anime release schedules than those of the R1 DVDs or US published manga I am interested in buying (this wasn’t always the case, and I still have many R2s from the old days). I know there will be those who will grumble under their breath, but ultimately isn’t it up to the individual how they spend their money (within obvious legal constraints)? If you have the funds to “double dip” and buy both US and UK versions, or the patience and tolerance for some of the tissue paper level DVDs and casings with the occasional French or German lines in the subtitles that are seen on this side of the Atlantic, then by all means go ahead (yes, some R2s are better, but only a few), but be prepared to accept that not everyone wants to do this.

In Your Reflection

This week’s head-to-head is between Spiral’s Ayumu Narumi and Loveless’ Aoyagi Ritsuka. At the beginning of the series, both characters in a position where their older brother is missing/apparently dead, leaving them to live with a female family member. In short order, they are thrust into a clandestine underground world, with mysterious rules and unknown members, whilst retaining a link to normal life through their female schoolfriend.

Fashion Police: Maria

In the last of our Burst Angel arrests, the police have chosen to take down their most dangerous target yet- the highly impractically dressed Maria. As we can see from the picture, her “dress” not only covers an amazingly small amount of flesh, but there seems to be nothing at all holding it up at the front, resulting in a situation for potential disaster beyond even that of Sei. The legs are at least reasonably dressed, although the logic of tying a knife into one’s ponytail and having two large wings of hair must surely be questioned.

Fashion sense: D-

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: hard yaoi, yaoi hard, “hack pre audition”, cat on acid, “hack boss audition”

Manshiro Boy?: Welcome to the world of the Otome manga.

bursting nipples: Sounds painful.

the fourth round rumble: what is this?

EVILS vampires MANGA: Hmm, that’s specific.

.hack//roots 26+?: No, no more!

lesbian trio: Still looking for that elusive threesome.

stick hard yaoi: Stick it in.

how to put you toube in facebook: “Hello, can I put my toube in your face?”

Manga flame drawings: none her.

irohanihoheto second series: it was a good enough series, but wasn’t one season enough?

Romance of the Three Kingdoms Goes Henta: ROTK hentai?

pictures of nakade gay men: okay…

Harvest moon parody: look, Hung, people do read this kind of thing!

futanari lesbians: once again, okay…

“but for now” mid: but for now, it hasn’t been found.

anime: friends scattered: oh no, friends divided, probably in an unknown land!