Tuesday Rumble: July 31st

(For some reason, the anime blog scene has been overtaken with ideas about how to find love (in the 3D sense), and so I will impart a small bit of advice to the guys- go to dance lessons. I know you’ll now be thinking how much less appealing this is than some MANLY team sport, but let’s just think for a moment about which sounds more HARD GAY- getting into a close hold with a (hopefully) beautiful woman, or getting naked in the locker room showers with ten other guys?

Anyway, the advantages of attending dance lessons are as follows-

• Women will always, always outnumber men at the lessons. That means you get your pick of single ladies (note: do not try to compete with the good looking male instructor).
• Women will be impressed if you can dance, since it’s a rare skill among men.
• If all goes well, you’ll know how to dance in plenty of time for your wedding.

Ideas for Phantom Brave 2

I know manga disagrees, but I enjoyed Phantom Brave, and yet the basic system was also in need of some improvements. Here are a few suggestions for making Phantom Brave 2, without simply answering “Makai Kingdom”

• Bring back ranged attackers; seriously, what was with the lack of gunners and proper archers (I can hardly count an archer who only has a bow attack when unequipped).
• Add riding animals such as horses for characters to get on and increase their range/attacks.
• Make it easier for a character to extend the number of turns they are on the field through levelling up.
• Encourage use of Putty and Owl types by creating optional maps where only those classes can be used.
• Increase the number of available Boar type classes.

Bokurano: Gonzo endings predicted

By now, we all know that the Bokurano director doesn’t want to permanently kill off all the children, and that as long as it doesn’t involve magic, the mangaka doesn’t mind if the ending is changed. With that in mind, let’s try to guess at how it will turn out.

• The prize for winning the game is to reset the world to how it was at the beginning, or to revive the players (who cares about dead generics).
• When the players signed the contract, they actually fell unconscious and were put into a VR simulation. At the end, they all emerge from pods.
• There is a parallel universe where they are all alive and living happy lives.
• Everyone is just unconscious and sealed inside Zearth until the end.
• It was all a dream Kokopelli had in the shower.

Ayakashi Ayashi

Generic #1 expresses his HARD GAY preference.

“Attractive as you are, I won’t give in to my desire!”

“Could this be a rare woman?”

“Nope, I’m a man too!”

“You can upgrade your Rod as much you want, but it won’t improve your HARD GAY.”

“Usually you just get straight down to the Pleasure.”

The first enemy, Giant Wang, appears.

Monster Pleasure begins.

Giant Wang faces off against another enemy, Multi-Wang.

“Is he our destined HARD GAY partner?”

Monster Pleasure gets taken to the next level.

“I must join in with some Cannon!”

“I told you no good would come of this sort of HARD GAY!”

Giant Wang is defeated.

Multi-Wang strikes again.

Random Thoughts: Shion

This week, we talk to Shion from the Xenosaga games. Shion, can you explain how you got to be a first-class scientist when you seem to be largely incompetent?

Head scientists don’t need to be competent *laughs*- we just let our underlings do the work and take credit for it. Anyway, I initially got my job because my character design was much less generic than anyone else’s.

How do you explain how your character design shifted so much?

Jealous, aren’t you? I just spent some skill points on levelling up my appearance.

Did you create KOS-MOS just for HARD YURI?

No, no- of course not! …How did you know? Did you find the photos? I swear I was only trying that bondage gear on!

Do you ever wish the games had been created as they were initially envisioned, in six spacetime-spanning parts?

No, because then I would have only been in the first game, and I would never have got the appearance upgrade.

And finally- are hot pants the answer to the Xenosaga universe?

Yes- yes they are.

This Week in Anime

“Mmm, good apple.”

“Crispy and sweet.”

Oranges find a new guardian to protect their stronghold.

Don’t like oranges? Try some lemons.

Forget Cup Noodle- try some Cat Noodle.

“I shall prove myself worthy of these olives and meat buns!”

“So I just put it in the backside here, right?”

The Pizza Hut era in Darker than Black begins.

Fruits band together to make an assault on meat.

“Looks like the horse is ready and waiting.”

July Anime Awards

The “Best Anime Ever” for Consistent Quality in the Face of Declining Standards Elsewhere goes to Dennou Coil, the new best anime ever.

The Darkly Comical Award for Finding Amusement in Suicide Attempts goes to Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei for its bleak humour.

The ER Award for Longest Medical Arc goes to Saiunkoku Monogatari II.

The “Where are the Answers?” Award for Frustrating Lack of Plot Development goes to Darker than Black.

The “What the Hell is Going On?” Award for a Complete Lack of Sense goes to Mushi-Uta.

The Rail Adventures Award for Train Otaku goes to Tetsuko no Tabi.

The Predictably Amusing Award for Mild Entertainment goes to Doujin Work.

The Insomniac Cure for Dullness is shared between Seirei no Moribito and El Cazador de la Bruja. Watching the former before bed the other night was a good way to induce tiredness.

The On the Rails Award for Standard Adventures goes to Romeo X Juliet and its mining arc.

The HARD GAY Award for Effeminate Males is still held by Koutetsu Sangokushi.

The Inoffensive Award for, well, Inoffensiveness goes to Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Kai.

HARD YURI corner: Kaleido Star New Wings

Having lost her HARD YURI lover, Sora has to resort to Hyper Self Pleasure until Kalos arranges for her to have STRAIGHT with a new performer, Leon. Unfortunately, Leon decides that rival May is better at STRAIGHT, and Sora is left to continue her Self Pleasure. In desperation, she returns to Layla and even tries Yuri as a partner, but despite her continuing cheerfulness, she cannot land a permanent partner. After much training, however, she is finally worthy of Leon, but choosing him will mean giving up HARD YURI forever in favour of STRAIGHT…

OST spotlight: Fantastic Children

As excellent as the series it accompanies, the Fantastic Children OST uses haunting piano and cello themes alongside some Celtic-style tracks to weave a melancholy and poignant atmosphere. Even if you haven’t watched the series yet (and if you haven’t, why not?), this OST is a must-listen.

Notable tracks: Voyage (Cello version), Befort no Kodomo-tachi, Helga, Helga no Zensei, Helga (Cello version), Sentou, Mizu no Madoromi

Mini-editorial: Acquisition above enjoyment

There comes a stage in every collector’s life where you find yourself buying items at a rate faster than you can appreciate them, be it manga, anime or games. When this happens, one has so many unfinished games, unwatched DVDs or unread books that it isn’t hard to lose interest entirely- after the brief flicker of getting something good in the post, the item in question is merely tossed into the nearest shelf and abandoned. Is this phase inevitable, or will we always end up in a state of buying things to have them rather than to use them? Can we ever recapture the old feelings, even if it means a break from that hobby? I know this factor contributed to the close of my first gaming era, and so in this era, I’m only going to buy games once I’ve finished or definitively abandoned the ones I have.

Harem of the week: Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy 7)

A man of few words and so few accomplishments that he had to claim his best friend’s memories for his own, Cloud nonetheless exuded some kind of pull over women.

Harem

Aeris: The quiet and innocent flower girl with mystical powers, predisposed towards Cloud due to her attraction to Zack.

Tifa: The childhood friend with large “melons”.

Priscilla: The young animal lover who instantly vows to marry Cloud.

Jessie: The chirpy freedom fighter with a penchant for disguises and fake IDs.

Yuffie: The headstrong teen ninja with a flippant attitude.

Barret: He may be a man, but you can go on a date with him at Gold Saucer. He may or may not like giving Cloud “gun”.

Don Corneo: Can be enticed to pick a cross dressing Cloud to spend the night with him, and may even try to land a kiss on him.

Rivals

Zack: Basically Cloud!Original version, he got the girl long before Cloud ever got his hands on her.

Fashion Police: Laharl

Sorry, Disgaea, but the time has come to send the Fashion Police into the Netherworld, and their first target is none other than demon Overlord Laharl. Although a flowing scarf can be used to compensate for a multitude of sins, nothing can completely erase Laharl’s crime of fabric (or rather lack of it). Yes, taken on their own the shorts and shoes are not too bad, but when reconciled with the fact that there’s a lot of skin showing and not really much else to the outfit, the time comes to declare that the heat of the Netherworld is nothing compared to looking well turned-out and presentable.

Fashion sense: D

Amusing Search Terms

You toube is back! I feel as if I’ve been reunited with an old friend.

azure alternative: Offering an alternative to Azure Flame- not reading Azure Flame.

pink toube: Only pink videos allowed

romance, words, thoughts: “I love you”

nanoha parodies: Always wanting more parody.

RPG maker beyblade sprites: Once you mention it, Beyblade never fully goes away

Added a new parody movie to the movies s: Did you? Good for you.

rpg maker xp resources blood: Actually, I did work on some blood splatters a while ago.

virtual sex: Let’s all have a good laugh

watch tenchi forever online: I know they mean the film Tenchi Forever, but it amuses me to think that they want the ability to watch Tenchi indefinitely.

techniques to give a gay man pleasure: As I said before, he likes it from behind.

.hack// incest: Also known as Legend of the Twilight.

anime having sex: Anime can have sex now? Is manga its partner?

“foreign demons”: damn those foreign demons.

what is the code for azure flame: Use the secret knock to gain access to our headquarters.

yuri sora festival: What is this?

toki packaging: Packaging for a clock?

great doctor in romance three kingdoms: This makes me think that Doctor Who is going to visit the Three Kingdoms era…actually, that’s not a bad idea.

anime desire angel: Heavenly Pleasure.

touka broken utawarriors: How can Touka be broken?

gundam seed gay: You know the reason Kira never touched Lacus was because he wanted Athrun.

manga art large boobs: Tenjho Tenge.

gay bold: Better than gay italic.

runner: how does this simple one word search reach my blog?